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Freshman Who Has Kept Busy Workload 'Totally Under Control' Unaware that Laundry has Overflowed, Caught on Fire

Illustration by Jackie Lou / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Freshman Tanner Johnson (W '22) knew that when he came to Penn, the workload would be difficult. He planned for it, creating color-coded charts for classes, studying, partying, drinking, more drinking, being MERTed, church, one carefully penciled-in cocaine binge per week, and a one-hour block on Wednesday afternoons for his weekly mental breakdown, followed by Parcheesi.

However, his carefully laid plans were undone, when the laundry machine Johnson was using self-combusted. Witnesses said the machine overflowed, and was consumed by a fiery inferno which burnt his dorm to the ground.

When informed of the issue with his laundry, Johnson appeared to cycle through a variety of emotional states, reminding himself that mental breakdowns were only allowed between 1:37 and 2:41 on Wednesdays. After gathering himself, he justified the carnage, saying “It was my first time doing it by myself—every other time my roommate helped me. And he's always so dramatic about the process saying things like, 'Oh God, stop! The detergent goes inside the machine!’ or ‘put the plunger down.’”

“I’ve never seen a level of destruction like this before,” said Travis Firth, the machine repair company technician, in regards to Johnson's incident. “It’s not just gross incompetence—it’s more than that. He did things to the washer I’ve never seen done before, with a certain kind of malice and disregard for common human decency that frankly scares me. There’s something wrong with this kid.”

As of publication, Johnson was attempting to use a toaster. Witnesses on the scene were hoping that his skill in the kitchen exceeded that of his laundry abilities, for the sake of all of their souls.