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Kelly MacGarrigle


Articles

Breaking: Old White Man in DP Comments Section Has Solution to Curing Democracy of All Corruption!

Thompson has said that he will continue his good work, keeping our democracy clean and pure by commenting on burgeoning journalists posts with “WRONG!” and “lame.” 


Incoming Freshman: Take Advantage of Your Peer Advisors Before They Ghost You for the Next Four Years

You will inevitably pick the wrong ones, fail the first midterm, and not learn about the add/drop deadline until it's far too late. 


I Don’t Date Temple Boys Because I’m Scared of Mumps, and Also a Raging Elitist

Mumps. Just the mumps. I could see the mumps on him. Smell them.


Is She a Witch or Does She Just like Hozier?

Being a witch is fine, but being a Hozier fan? You know she’s going to be into some freaky stuff.


Great: Now Lindsey Has Yet Another Reason to Talk About Her Time Abroad in France

We got the shot with a baguette (and a deliberately suggestive comment about other baguette shaped items), the shot in the Louvre (posing next to a sculpture — she doesn't know which one), and the shot capturing the end of her time there with her making a faux-sad face saying she never wants to leave this “magical place.”


Roommate Just Fully Nocturnal Now

She began to skip classes and to stay out late with that boy Ben from ZBT. She would come back and do work well into the early hours.


Amy Gutmann Declares Candidacy for UA Elections

With this bold and unprecedented move, Gutmann has added her name to the list of approximately 1,020 candidates already running for the UA, believing that she “might have a real shot at winning.”


Jeb Bush Stresses Importance of Limited Government Unless He Can Be Part of It

Later in the talk, Bush said that he believes that government needs hard limits, and that restriction extended to term limits, which Bush believes should be put in place in all situations except for “if I get elected. When. When I get elected."


Please Ignore My Swollen Lymph Nodes and Let Me Hit That Juul

Do I have mumps ? What the hell, man, course not. 


OP-ED: Stop Asking Token Male Candidates to Run for Office

Why are we encouraging these men to run for a position that they will never be able to do successfully?  


Wawa to Start Charging for Water, Entire Freshman Class Dies of Thirst

“It’s tragic, but all of the medical professionals agree – this class is just far too thirsty to survive, and this Wawa incident has proved that once and for all.”


OP-ED: God is Dead, and the Smell of This Man Next to Me in the Elevator Killed Him

My creator has surely abandoned me in this time of need, left me to float in the warm, sweat-scented air of this metal container, hurtling upwards towards what I hope will be my eventual demise.


Trump-Kim Summit Breaks down After Refusal to Budge on Issue of Khloe as New Bachelorette

When Trump was asked why he wouldn’t allow Kim’s sister Khloe to take on the fairly meaningless role as the new Bachelorette, he responded with typical aplomb. “She’s a five, maybe a six on a really good day. This show? It’s the pinnacle of American culture, and we can’t be having just anyone on it, so I can’t give this to her.”


5 Laptop Stickers to Show Everyone Just How Intellectual You Are

Luckily, at UTB, we have devised a highly scientific method of determining which laptop stickers toe the line between being an obnoxious braggart and a saintly intellectual.


My God, How Did This Happen?! Says Senior After Seven Hours in CVS

“I came in here for a roll of toilet paper, but then I saw that face masks were on sale, and after that it’s a blur.” 


ROTC Student Willing to Go to War but Won't Shave in Quad Showers

"I’ll do a ten-mile run in full uniform, but do you know what’s on the walls of those showers? Neither do I, and I’m not about to risk it.”


OP-ED: The Opportunity Rover is Dead and I Will Never Love Again

It was only supposed to be a quick summer romance – three months at the most. But then you reached out, and we kept our love burning. 


Political Science Student Bases Entire Political Knowledge on John Oliver Specials

Pearson has stopped attending lectures and instead sits in his Radian apartment, rewinding the comedy specials in the dark, chuckling manically at the dry humor of the bespectacled man he considers to be his Knowledge God. 


Join My Team: Wharton Student Prepares for Fruitful Career in Pyramid Scheme

According to the company’s website, “each paying participant recruits two further participants, with returns being given to early participants using money contributed by later ones."


Philly Public Transit Rebrands as SEPTÆ to Appeal to Penn Students

There will also be cars for English majors, which go nowhere and do nothing, but look good while doing it, and for CIS majors, with an endlessly repeating announcement counting down the hours until the next problem set is due.


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