Kelly MacGarrigle


Student in 12 Performance Groups Confused About Where All Her Time Went

According to her fellow classmates, Walkerton counts down to the end of each rehearsal, leaving at that exact time in order to make the different, and often overlapping, time requirements of her different arts groups.

Generous Billionaire Calls Uberpool for Date

When Latisha Montgomery (C ’20) went on a date with Vanessa Laurel-Smith (W ’19), she rightly assumed that her date (the daughter of the plastic tycoon Jonathon Smith), would be willing to spoil her a little bit.

Guy Who Sits in Corner of Class Knows Way Too Much About Nazi Party in WWII

It came as a bit of a surprise to the other members of the class when one of them seemed a bit too invested in a key component of the source material – the Nazi Party in WWII.

Satan Spotted in Writing Seminar Brushing Up on Newest Torture Methods

 "Sinners from Penn kept coming down and saying ‘they’d seen worse’ in their writing seminar classes.” 

Post Midterm Elections, Penn Students Now Morally Allowed to Stop Caring about Politics for Two Years

Many Penn students can afford not to care about politics because those politics do not directly threaten their health and safety.

SHS Hits Record New Wait Times of 615 Years for Major Injuries, 1,233 for Minor Ones

"I called SHS, and when they asked for my injury, all I heard was a five-minute laugh from the receptionist, before she said ‘lol, suck it up, wimp’ and hung up the phone."

University With 13 Billion Dollar Endowment Can’t Afford Drainage on Locust Walk

"Don’t I pay enough for this school? Why can’t they just install gutters or something, or have engineers with tiny straws suck up the water so I don’t have to deal with this?"

Penn Students Surprised Brexit 'Still a Thing'

On a campus which was awash in a midterm voting rush just weeks ago, wouldn’t these students who claim to be politically active on American issues be aware of one the biggest economic events of the past decade?

Stain on Quad Floor Is Not the Usual Blood of the Innocent, Is Actually Vomit

The regularly scheduled demonic ritual was interrupted by a visibly inebriated freshman.

Passive Aggressive? Student Throws Away Roommate's Belongings as Part of Weekly Trash Run

Gentle pranks, kind-hearted jabs, and the occasional backstabbing is all considered par-for-the-course when it comes to living with a complete stranger.

Senior Wants to 'Travel the World' as Long as That World is Within Western Europe

“I just feel like I have a wandering spirit. I can’t be tied down.” 

Freshman Who Has Kept Busy Workload 'Totally Under Control' Unaware that Laundry has Overflowed, Caught on Fire

Freshman Tanner Johnson (W '22) knew that when he came to Penn, the workload would be difficult.

OP-ED: I am Short and Pret Scares Me

Ah—to be tall. To be able to reach things on shelves without throwing out your shoulder and collapsing your mold covered Quad closet.

Pre-Major Advisor Fakes Death, Leaves Country to Avoid Advising Freshmen on Course Registration

Dr. Smith did not respond to requests for comment, but a one-way receipt for a plane ticket to Aruba and her latest Facebook posts show that she is far away from the stresses of dealing with the acne-ridden, stress-fueled, overly affluent freshmen who occupied her previous daily life.  

Gutmann Denies Existence of Mold, Quad, Entire Freshman Class in Explosive Press Statement

As the mold in the Quad grows by the day and students are forced to relocate to the Inn at Penn, the student body has been looking for some guidance.

Student With Internship in DC Last Summer Unable to Stop Name Dropping

When Malia Jackson (W ‘20) was accepted for an internship with Senator Patty Murray (D-Washington), she was reportedly “ecstatic,” immediately making plans for a short-term lease on an apartment and packing all of her various power suits.

Freshman Destroys Writing Sem Portfolio in Homage to Banksy

Writing Seminar—a time-intensive rite of passage for freshmen (and more than a few seniors) which culminates into two portfolios of work, one for the midterm and one for the final.