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Sophomore Stocks Up on Plan B Before Getting Fucked by Midterm


Photo by Mike Mozart / CC BY 2.0

Instead of studying like most of her classmates, College sophomore Sophie Truman has stocked up on emergency contraceptives in preparation for her upcoming midterm, which, she calls, is an “impending and unavoidable shitstorm of fuckery.” 

“I’m going to get absolutely fucked by this bio midterm regardless of how I try to prepare, and I’m not on birth control or anything, so I’d better be safe and get Plan B,” Truman stated in an interview. “I’m gonna get an IUD over Thanksgiving break, though: I need to be prepared for finals.” 

Last year, the sophomore reportedly “sacrificed her grade in order to ensure a bountiful corn harvest,” but since Penn announced its ban on both “human and GPA sacrifice” as part of its ongoing commitment to mental health, Truman has decided to “prepare for the metaphorical phallus of the academia.” 

Truman was seen leaving Student Health Services with 12 packs of Plan B on Monday, and then seen leaving CVS carrying a bottle of caramel-flavored lubricant on Wednesday.

“I have no idea why she’s buying Plan B,” one classmate said. “There are literally free condoms everywhere.”