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OP-ED: I’ve Listened to 'thank u, next' for 24 Hours Straight, but I Still Hate All of My Exes


Photo by Emma / CC BY-SA 2.0

Dear Ari—may I call you Ari? I hope so. I've been a major Arianator ever since I was 15 and really resonated with your hit single "Side to Side."

btw i know you enjoy all-lowercase so i will continue writing in that fashion :3

anyways, i was feeling pretty down ever since i heard about your and pete's breakup (even though you can do way better sis!!!). but when u released "thank u, next" it was like a beautiful rainbow had emerged from our dark, stormy, and dumpster-filled campus. it was honestly inspiring to hear that u were grateful for at least some of your ex-boyfriends.

however, even after listening to ur masterpiece for an entire day, i still fucking hate my exes. like... if i could make them all listen to nickelback's "photograph" for 20 straight hours, take math 104 for 11 semesters in a row, or say "fear of commitment" 387 times fast... i wouldn't say no.

how can i be as noble, god-like, and accepting as you? pls help in any way you can.

or at least, could you sign my exes up for math 104 next semester: it is advanced registration.