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'What Really Happened,' by Jared From Your PoliSci Recitation


Photo (with edits by Shoshi Wintman) by Simon & Schuster /  CC BY-SA 4.0, Executive Office of the President of the United States / CC0, Gage Skidmore / CC BY-SA 2.0, Gage Skidmore / CC BY-SA 2.0

This is my story of what happened. It's the story of what I saw, felt, and thought during two of the most intense years I've ever experienced, and the story of the think pieces that I read (well, skimmed) after the fact which gave me a definitive grasp on why Donald Trump is now our president. Hillary Clinton wants to tell you “what happened.” I, Jared from your PoliSci recitation, am here to tell you what really happened—and no, I won’t be giving you an exit from this conversation. 

This is the story of what led me to this railroad of American history. It's the story of how I kept going after a defeat that was shocking to some people but wasn’t shocking to me because if you understand anything about 538 it’s that their predictions reported probability not who they thought was going to win, you absolute dumb fuck. This is a story about why there is still hope for our country and primarily a story about how—if you actually look at the facts—Bernie would have won the election by a landslide because he’s not fake like she is. 

Writing this book wasn’t easy. But I had to write it; it was time. I knew people were counting on me for the answers, and I knew I didn’t have a WQHS platform to turn this into a podcast.

My analysis is nuanced, critical, and swift. The fact that you couldn’t see all of this before I broke it down for you might make you feel squirmy. Guilty, even. That’s ok. We’re all here to learn. 

I’m willing to tell you what others won’t. Did the e-mails play a role? Maybe. The Comey letters? Probably. A disingenuous and manipulative focus on equity? Most definitely. Sexism? Of course you’d ask that, you SJW. I’ll break it all down for you, point, by point, by...why she was presumptuous to even think she would be a good candidate in the first place...by point.

I don't have all of the answers, but I do have most of them. This book will break down why the Democrats lost and how they can win in the future. Get ready, I’m about to blow your mind.

This was an excerpt from the author’s note of Jared’s unedited book, “What Really Happened.” To access the rest of the narrative, just wait for your next recitation. No need to ask for it; he’ll remember to bring it up.