OP-ED: Can Campus Apartments Get Me a New Lease on Life?

To Whom it May Concern, 

When housing season began this past October, I thought about sitting outside of Campus Apartments all night amongst weary frat brothers clinging desperately onto their sticky, disease-ridden townhouses. I watched nostalgically as gung-ho freshman sold their souls for a four-bedroom in The Simon. 

This year, however, I cannot be fulfilled by a five-bedroom on Baltimore. Having a roof over your head is great, but what I really need right now is the chance to start anew. Campus Apartments, can you get me a new lease on life? 

I’ll sign right now. I’ll put down first and last month’s rent. No deal? I’ll put down double. This semester has been rough and I could really use a clean slate. 

I know this is outside of your usual offerings, but aren’t we in a consumer-driven market? Supply and demand or something. Isn’t that what Capitalism is all about? Helping people? I don’t know how the economy works. If you help me start over, I could learn. 

There are so many things I could do if you could just help me turn back the clock — like attend my lectures or, I don’t know, get my flu shot. Herd immunity is not all it’s cracked up to be. This will be good for both of us. 

So come on, give the people what they want! The people are me. Please help.