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BREAKING: Flu Epidemic On The Rise As Freshmen Rushes Can't Stop Kissing Ass


Photo by Joy Lee / The Daily Pennsylvanian

The Office of Student Health Services has announced a flu outbreak on campus, warranting heightened health and wellness precautions by all students. After countless checkups, SHS discovered the cause of the epidemic: persistent and unhygienic ass-kissing by freshmen in the midst of rushing Greek organizations. 

Sorority sister and rush chair Hayley Dormer (W ’21) shared with UTB: “There are so many hickies on my ass — I can’t. I mean, it’s flattering and all, but sitting has become a chore. I feel like I’m getting hazed, haha.” She added swiftly, “which is something sororities and fraternities at the University of Pennsylvania do not condone or tolerate in any form, by the way.” 

SHS spokeswoman Sherry Laud added, “They can’t stop. And they won’t stop. I’m baffled! The lengths to which these little animals will go for a couple Greek letters in their Insta bios! They’re literally kissing ass...” 

Despite the severe health repercussions, freshmen rushes, though suffering, plan on kissing more ass until Bid Day. “My mouth is just so sore,” one bed-ridden freshman added while whimpering. “It’s not pleasant, but I trust the process enough to persevere."