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Guy Who's Been Lame For 3 Years Excited to Finally Identify as Washed Senior


Photo by Jon Soucy / CC0

After 3 years of dwelling in obscurity on the outskirts of Penn society, Sebastian Periwinkle (W ’19) is ready to make his triumphant return to the spotlight. “Not gonna lie, I’m totally gonna go Sicko Mode this semester since my junior year was kind of a dud,” Sebastian told UTB while desperately searching through the Billboard Hot 100 for a song he thought would sound cool to mention. UTB records show that Sebastian’s freshman and sophomore years were also “duds.”

When Periwinkle stepped onto campus 3 and a half years ago, clutching a 1000 piece puzzle set, a deck of cards, and a party playlist with all the best Fetty Wap songs, he entirely expected to turn Penn’s social scene on its head. Unfortunately, after dominating NSO with the 3 tricks he’d picked up from a useful BuzzFeed article, Sebastian’s social life tanked because he had no discernible personality traits

However it looks like Periwinkle’s luck is finally turning around. “Now that it’s second semester I’m pretty sure being a friendless shut-in is the cool thing to do. Talking about going to events and never showing up is basically the norm, so I can just make up plans for the weekend and if anyone calls me on it I can just say that I got tired!” 

Sebastian’s already announced that he’s dropped all the extracurriculars he was never a part of and cut the non-existent fake friends out of his life, and he’s feeling cooler already. Once word gets out that he’s got nothing going on in his life he’s sure people will be knocking down doors to get to him.