Penn Sociology Finds That Only 1% of the Student Population Hoards 90% of Campus Self Esteem

A recent study conducted by the Penn Sociology Department found that, despite Penn boasting an undergraduate population of just over 10,000, only 97 students reported feeling any sense of self-esteem in the 2018 calendar year.

“This represents an alarming but unsurprising trend,” said Dr. Samantha Jenkins, one of the researchers conducting the study. “Every year, the gulf between the average student’s self esteem and the self-esteem of the 1% grows.”

“I once met someone with self-esteem,” said Martin Samuels (E ‘21), who was surveyed for the study. “It was shocking, the way they lived. Like, it’s just a different lifestyle entirely.”

Jennifer Lin, a senior in the College studying philosophy, agreed. “I was in class with someone with self-esteem once. He would just answer the professor’s questions. Voluntarily. Without being cold-called or coerced. In fact, he would even sometimes call out the answer, without waiting to hear if the professor wanted to hear a student’s answer. He wasn’t even correct, and it didn’t bother him at all.”