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Penn Admissions Officers Retire en Masse to Avoid 10 Years of Reading Oscar Hopefuls’ Essays


Daily Pennsylvanian file photo

20-year-old College sophomore Claire Sliney recently achieved what most thespians will spend a lifetime striving for — an Oscar. We at Under the Button congratulate Sliney on her stunning achievement!

Not everyone is so enthralled, unfortunately. We are sad to report that mere minutes after the announcement, the entirety of Penn’s admissions staff announced their immediate resignations.

“I’m out,” panted a visibly distraught Eric Furda, former Dean of Admissions. “Sure, I love the job. And yes, I’ve read through hundreds of essays from kids who swear they’re gonna be the next Elon Musk or John Legend.” Furda began to twitch violently, “But this is too much. Some damn kid wins an Oscar and next thing you know we’re going to get thousands of applicants claiming they’re next. We’ll probably have to close Engineering and Nursing and just dump the endowment on Cinema Studies just to accommodate the classes of 2024 through 2046.”

For a more optimistic take, we turned to Alfred Holdt, Furda’s former secretary. “Well, I might be out of a job now,” he chuckled, “but that’s fine. Being an admin has its perks! My son’s a senior in Marketing, but I just wiped his transcript and reenrolled him as a freshman in English. I’m sure he’ll be getting his Oscar in no time!”

“He better do it quickly,” he sighed, “there’s a lot of tuition to cover now.”