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5 Juicy Citrus Fruits to Peel When you Miss the Thrill of Undressing Your Winter Break Lover


Photo by Uello / CC by Pixabay License

Your grade-school gal pal, back-home boy toy, or nonbinary Noel-nuzzler may have tamed your young lust over winter break, but bad news, friend. School is BACK, and so is your insatiable, stress-fueled sexual appetite. Luckily, your neighbors here at UTB have assembled a list of citrus fruits that can stave off your hunger and horniness all at once!

Clementine: Ahh, the old standby! Just like the prom date who took your virginity three years ago, a clementine can be undressed quickly and easily, but never really satisfies. Like your date, it's a back-pocket option, but the clementine literally fits in your back pocket.

Kumquat: The dexterity it takes to peel a kumquat will bring back memories of trying to make her kum with your shaky hands, nervous that someone will walk into the adjacent stall of the science building bathroom during your three year high school reunion. Is it worth it for the tiny bit of sweetness inside? Maybe!

Etrog: A nice Jewish boy from your childhood with a rough exterior and a soft inside? Yes please!

Blood orange: Something curvy to stave off your scurvy. Slide your fingers under the peel and relive how it feels to discover that something looks way better naked. Blood orange is the girl next door who used to sell you girl scout cookies and is now secretly a freak in the sheets.

Grapefruit: Self-explanatory. If you haven't heard of grapefruiting your man, you probably come from a sexually repressed hometown anyway, so why are you reading this list?