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Please Ignore My Swollen Lymph Nodes and Let Me Hit That Juul


Photo by Natalia Joseph / The Daily Pennsylvanian


Hey man. 

Hey bro. 

Can I hit that Juul?

I know everyone’s talking about this mumps shit — that’s messed up, right?

Do I have mumps ? What the hell, man, course not. Can I get a hit, bruh? I see you got those spicy mango pods. I love that shit. 

Oh – my neck seems a bit swollen? Nah nah nah, that’s just cause this hot chick – you know, Jessika,  the smoking hot redhead in the red from last night – she was just going to town on my neck and – 

Why is it swollen in the exact place where my “lymph nodes” are? What can I say – Sara – Jessika – whatever — was gnawing on me like a fucking Chihuahua. It was wack.  

My fever? That’s just cause of my hangover? That’s a thing people get from a hangover, right? That’s why I’m running at a cool 104. Let me hit that Juuuuuuuuul. 

I don’t have mumps! How dare you – just because I haven’t washed a single dish that I’ve used for the past two weeks, and I’ve made out with seventeen women, three men, and one statue doesn’t mean I got mumps! That’s some Temple shit. Now will you let me hit that bad boy, please.

No dude, I wasn’t vaccinated. That’s how you get the disease in the first place. I’m not stupid. 

Ok dude – whatever. Such a hard ass.

Guess I’ll go ask Jessika if I can hit her Juul again.