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"I Shit Scum like You," Says Penn Cop to Visiting High Schooler


Photo by fsHH / CC0

During his visit to campus, Tucker O'Connell stole a mango Naked juice from Gourmet Grocer. Before his first big swig, the juice was slapped out of his hand, pouring mango juice down the 38th Street bridge

“I’m boned,” he thought to himself as he looked to his side. There was Charles Boopy, a loose cannon Penn cop, who, for some reason, carries a weapon for his job. 

Officer Boopy looked O'Connell up and down, then said, “Listen up, you piece of human garbage. This is my walk. I run this campus. You think you can come up in here and steal my nutrient-filled, handmade juice blends? Think again, sewer rat. Let me tell you what I did today: I woke up, cooked myself a frittata, and proceeded to take one of the least healthy, watered-down shits of my life. Want to know what was in my stool? Scum like you. That’s right. I shit scum like you. You entitled brat. Mommy and daddy cover everything, yet you still have the nerve to steal my wonderfully refreshing juice drinks. There are kids out there getting rejected from Stanford because of scum like you. Lucky for me, I’ve had a large lunch today, and I’m feeling another steamer boiling up inside. So get ready, fucker, because I’m about to shit you out.”

Tucker is currently being held in the Eastern State Penitentiary awaiting trial. His bail was set at $10 because he’s white and his parents are lawyers.