Donald Trump Serves Fast Food at White House, Hoping to Recruit a Big New Pledge Class

Notable Penn alumnus Donald Trump has served massive spreads of McDonald’s and Chick-fil-A to White House guests on multiple occasions. There can only be one reason for this distinct break from presidential traditions: the Trump administration needs a really impressive open rush if they hope to recruit a large enough pledge class. 

Given the recent departures of Health and Safety Officer John Kelly and Philanthropy Chair Jim “Mad Dog” Mattis, this recruitment cycle is going to be a numbers game for the administration.

“Right now, we’re solidly mid-tier," said Recruitment Director and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. “I think if this goes well for us we could reach high-mid next year. We’ve definitely got a good group rushing. I think Congressman Matt Gaetz is really interested — Jared and I are getting lunch with him tomorrow — but he also got a bid from FIJI, so he could really go either way.”

Pompeo and the rest of the administration have an exciting slate of closed rush events planned, including three golf nights, a trip to Moscow, and the most uncomfortable champagne and shackles ever.