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Jacob Stone


Articles

OP-ED: Just Because It's Warm out Doesn't Mean Professors Should Wear Shorts

I don’t care if you have the sweatiest ankles in Pennsylvania. You have to wear pants.


OP-ED: I'm a Liquor Control Enforcement Officer and My Job Is Very Important

This past Spring Fling, several colleagues and I were dispatched to ensure that students were having a safe and legal weekend by going undercover and attending college parties. I am writing to inform all of you that this was extremely important and very much not a “waste of time and resources."


In Wake of UA Elections, Student Body Remembers That It Doesn't Matter

Now, the votes have been cast, and a new board has been selected, and the Undergraduate Assembly can finally return to not impacting the day-to-day life of students as it was designed to do. Finally students can take a deep breath and focus on things that actually matter, ranging from doing laundry to literally anything other than UA. 


Exit Poll: UA Voters Care Most About Neat Sidewalk Chalk Handwriting

It really is a dying art.


Penn Sees Largest Applicant Pool to Date Thanks to 44,960 Naïve Fools in Over Their Heads

Penn has none other to thank than the 44,960 sweet summer children across the world who are sheltered from the harsh cruelties of the real world and think Penn would be the right choice for them. Ha ha ha, I laugh. How verily foolish of them. 


Student Spotlight: Short Sleeve Button-Down Shirt Guy

Despite the interesting pattern on his shirt, on the inside he is a fairly basic guy.


Study: Mo Bamba #1 Cause of Jonathan Saying the N-Word

We certainly expect the trend to die down in a few weeks and for Jonathan to return to saying the N-word for other unjustifiable reasons.


Donald Trump Serves Fast Food at White House, Hoping to Recruit a Big New Pledge Class

Given the recent departures of Health and Safety Officer John Kelly and Philanthropy Chair Jim “Mad Dog” Mattis, this recruitment cycle is going to be a numbers game for the administration.


Penn Administration Vows to Reject Bribery, Opts to Raise Own Salaries Again Instead

The University of Pennsylvania has made a promise to its students and staff that there will be zero tolerance for admissions officers and coaches who take bribes from the families of prospective students. Therefore, in an effort to combat the temptation of bribes, Penn has vowed to give its entire administration $500,000 raises.


Study: Marijuana Not Linked to Behavioral Issues, Dad

Furthermore, marijuana consumption is not linked to emotional outbursts, so suck my dick, Dad. You are literally the worst and I hate you. 


Thought Experiment: I Think I Could Do More Push-Ups Than Wendell Pritchett

That’s not to say that I’m necessarily very good at push-ups, just that I think I’m definitely better at them than Wendell.


Group Project Member Disagrees with Team’s Idea, Remains Silent yet Judgmental

“My group is making tons of simple errors, but I would rather knowingly lose a few points here and there than confront them about it and make them feel bad."


Ignoring Venmo Requests Now to be Considered a White-Collar Crime

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf gave an impassioned speech this week calling neglected Venmo requests an “epidemic” and a “total dick move, guys.”


Depressed Engineers Insist That Easy Majors Are for ‘Idiots’

Bryant believes that “all urban studies majors got accepted due to clerical errors.”


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