REPORT: By 2050 Penn to Admit Just 3 Exceptional Robots
April 4, 2019 at 1:29 am
Statistics professor Dan Swanson was not shocked to learn that just 7.44% of applicants for the Class of 2023 were admitted to Penn. According to the professor, the number aligns perfectly with his prediction that by 2050, Penn may not even admit a single member of the human species.
“If my calculations are correct, by 2022 Penn will admit just 6.9% (haha) of potential students,” Dr. Swanson said. “This kind of exponential decline will only speed up until 2033, when the Supreme Court, led by a cryogenically frozen but still kickin’ it Ruth Bader Ginsburg, will rule that universities must admit artificial intelligence.”
Dr. Swanson predicts that humans will eventually be replaced in universities by robots since, as he puts it, “God damn can those bots play a bitchin’ cello.”
When asked how he can use statistics to come to such specific predictions about the future, Swanson reminded UTB that he was the only one of his friends that said Trump was going to win and that his bracket still had three of the Final Four remaining. “I mean even Sybill Trelawney wouldn’t have had Zion going out in the Elite Eight, c’mon now,” Dr. Swanson said, unprovoked. With these qualifications on his side, he continued to make predictions while rubbing both his temples.
President Amy Gutmann pushed back against the idea that Penn would eventually accept only a few top robots. “Look, the Perelman's and the Steinhardt’s will always have a place here at Penn,” Gutmann proudly said. “As to the others — well unless you can play the fiddle while you solve linear algebra problem sets, you might as well take your ass to Temple. Some of those new robots are seriously bitchin’.”
Dr. Swanson has voiced concerns about the future he has predicted, but says he'd rather not focus on it right now. "I'm trying out mindfulness," Swanson noted. "It's all about staying in the moment, no matter what the impending terror is."
While this news may be alarming to some, it is important to note that Penn is already a school of 10,605 above average, overworked, unemotional robots. The school will become far more competitive by 2050, but the mental health of the student body is predicted to be stellar, eliminating the need for CAPS.
Gutmann has not explicitly announced what she will do with the extra funds she will have after closing down CAPS, but sources have suggested that, despite a future with only three enrolled students, she has plans for another dormitory.
Despite Dr. Swanson’s concerns, Wharton junior Dan Carrow is actually excited for the end of human enrollment at the university. “The more exclusive this school gets, the better it looks on my resume,” Carrow remarked. “We’re the school of the President, mad genius Elon Musk, mediocre pop star John Legend, and, soon enough, three exceptional robots. We're the school of all of them, and me. That looks pretty good for my future job options.”