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Elias Rappaport


Articles

Sad! Hypebeast Intern Disappointed Supreme Court Justices Own Nothing from Supreme

In a crushing wave of disappointment, Sandez then realized that the Supreme Court was in fact not the legal branch of the fashion company Supreme. 


OP-ED: If Spanish Class Was in English I’d Fucking Kill

After four semesters of flailing around like a fish out of water through intro level Spanish classes, I have finally diagnosed the root cause of my struggles: I don’t speak Spanish, I speak English. 


Campus Alert: Decent Assault Reported at 38th and Walnut

Look, I’ve seen better assaults, I’ve seen worse assaults. But honestly, as far as assaults go, it left a lot to be desired.


After 3 Years of Presidential Practice, Joe Biden Is Ready for the Real Thing

Figuring eight years of vice presidential experience was not enough to prepare him for the big promotion, Biden created this role for himself to prepare for 2020.


Ahead of 2020, Sororities Already Planning 2010s-Themed Date Nights

Our curated playlist spans from T-Wayne to Silentó. Acceptable dress can take the form of dressing like you’re in the NBA when you’re really 5’ 7”, cuffed jeans and Stan Smiths, or just head-to-toe Supreme.


Screw You Goldman, I Can Sell Açaí Bowls at 1300% Profit Margins

Throw a couple mandarin oranges (call them by their Spanish name to make it seem more expensive) and a kiwi into a bowl, say it’s from some island off of New Zealand, and there will be a line of white women out the door by 11 a.m..


This 16 Year-Old On Tour in his Patagonia Quarter Zip Has It All Figured Out

What can I say? I gave my long-term girlfriend a promise ring last week and we’re staying together through college.


Senior Can’t Satisfy Girlfriend or Sector Requirements

Last weekend he went down on me and when he was ‘done,’ he asked if that could double-count for the rest of the week.


OP-ED: There’s No Chance That I’m Gonna Catch Feelings, but There Is Definitely a Chance I Catch the Mumps

All I’m trying to say is that I’m 100% vulnerable to the measles, but I’m also 100% down to fuck.


Watch Out! That Kid Who Scooters to Class Just Got Nunchucks

While he doesn’t plan on using them to hurt anyone, he does plan on practicing with them every 12 to 3 o’clock on College Green.


REPORT: By 2050 Penn to Admit Just 3 Exceptional Robots

Statistics professor Dan Swanson was not shocked to learn that just 7.44% of applicants for the Class of 2023 were admitted to Penn. According to the professor, the number aligns perfectly with his prediction that by 2050, Penn may not even admit a single member of the human species.


The Collctve Goes on Wheel of Fortune to Buy a Vowel

Last weekend, club leadership went on the game show Wheel of Fortune for the sole purpose of purchasing two vowels. While things got off to a slow start when Collctve president Justin Davies (C ‘20) accidentally bought an O, one of the few vowels the Collctve already had, eventually the club rebounded and bought the proper letters.


So Close! Verizon Now Covers the Whole Mojave Desert but Not Fresh Grocer

Did you know that Verizon leads the nation in every conceivable category? Best coverage, best customer service, best plans. Hell, they’re now the best man at your wedding, whether you like it or not.


Meet Devin: My Baby Quaker Who Got a Contact High and Ate All of My Salami

I’ll keep this short. This Devin Wasserman kid is a little punk.


Determined! Poly Sci Student Realizes His Analogy Is Trash, but Still Trucks on to Its Unsatisfying Conclusion

A light bulb went off in his head during a discussion about the U.S.’s decision to enter World War II.


5 Snarky Comments Your Roommate Kevin Probably Makes as He Steals Your Toiletries

“Wouldn’t this toilet paper just look so good in my bathroom instead?”


Amazing! This Chem Student Inadvertently Learned Metric Conversions by Dealing Ganj

Despite receiving a 51 on the class’s first exam and missing two homework deadlines, Shazer redeemed himself in the eyes of Dr. Mackey with his outstanding performance in their last class.


OP-ED: I Would Totally Send My Daughter to Public School, but It’s Important to Me That She Tries Water Polo

How else will she be a nationally ranked athlete unless she joins a sport that less than 5,000 people in America play?


Meet the Kid Who Flunked Out of School While Waiting for His ExtraCare Card Receipt at CVS

Kauffman intended to be in and out of the store in under 10 minutes.


Album Review: Why Sheck Wes’s “MUDBOY” Is 2018's Best Album to Take a Stubborn Poo To

Sheck Wes’s “MUDBOY” has guided me through type 4 logs and type 2 craggly poos. Truly Sheck has been there through the best and worst of times.


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