His penchant for covering his face with ray-bands that went out of style twenty years ago should’ve been a sign.
After kissing his girlfriend Vanessa goodbye, Carpenter turned on the treadmill in Pottruck and began his slow, slow hike. He selected Lyon, France as a starting point and looked back at his girlfriend, now crying too as she walked out of the gym.
If he could just muster the energy to write the name of the class in a visually pleasing font, he could possibly remind himself what giving a single fuck actually felt like.
Figuring eight years of vice presidential experience was not enough to prepare him for the big promotion, Biden created this role for himself to prepare for 2020.
“Hear me out,” President Gutmann started in a recent trustee meeting. “Free bee implants for every student who enters CAPS."
These schools only exist to confuse Penn students who are just trying to sign into their Xfinity on Campus accounts.
In a crushing wave of disappointment, Sandez then realized that the Supreme Court was in fact not the legal branch of the fashion company Supreme.
After four semesters of flailing around like a fish out of water through intro level Spanish classes, I have finally diagnosed the root cause of my struggles: I don’t speak Spanish, I speak English.
Look, I’ve seen better assaults, I’ve seen worse assaults. But honestly, as far as assaults go, it left a lot to be desired.
Our curated playlist spans from T-Wayne to Silentó. Acceptable dress can take the form of dressing like you’re in the NBA when you’re really 5’ 7”, cuffed jeans and Stan Smiths, or just head-to-toe Supreme.
Throw a couple mandarin oranges (call them by their Spanish name to make it seem more expensive) and a kiwi into a bowl, say it’s from some island off of New Zealand, and there will be a line of white women out the door by 11 a.m..
What can I say? I gave my long-term girlfriend a promise ring last week and we’re staying together through college.
Last weekend he went down on me and when he was ‘done,’ he asked if that could double-count for the rest of the week.
All I’m trying to say is that I’m 100% vulnerable to the measles, but I’m also 100% down to fuck.
While he doesn’t plan on using them to hurt anyone, he does plan on practicing with them every 12 to 3 o’clock on College Green.
Statistics professor Dan Swanson was not shocked to learn that just 7.44% of applicants for the Class of 2023 were admitted to Penn. According to the professor, the number aligns perfectly with his prediction that by 2050, Penn may not even admit a single member of the human species.
Last weekend, club leadership went on the game show Wheel of Fortune for the sole purpose of purchasing two vowels. While things got off to a slow start when Collctve president Justin Davies (C ‘20) accidentally bought an O, one of the few vowels the Collctve already had, eventually the club rebounded and bought the proper letters.
Did you know that Verizon leads the nation in every conceivable category? Best coverage, best customer service, best plans. Hell, they’re now the best man at your wedding, whether you like it or not.
I’ll keep this short. This Devin Wasserman kid is a little punk.
A light bulb went off in his head during a discussion about the U.S.’s decision to enter World War II.