Elias Rappaport


Articles

Sophomore Who Was Promised by Professor There Was No Formula to Getting an A Creates Formula to Get an A

He hadn’t shown up to his PSYC 170 class since mid-September and with the final in the morning, he knew his ass was grass.


Rebel Student Writes Essay in 11pt Arial Before Enlarging to 12pt Times New Roman

Vilsack opened up a new document in Google Drive and just started writing.


Trust The Process: Mid-Tier Frat Hires Sam Hinkie to Manage Tanking for Better Prospects Next Year

Two years ago, they were stuck in the middle—not bad enough to disband, but not good enough for anyone to show up to their parties.


Student Health Announces New Holiday Themed Sex-Ed Campaign: Gift Wrap it Up

It’s officially cuffing season and Student Health Services is here to make sure you keep your pecker in checker.


Sophomore to Study Abroad in London After Realizing No Country Speaks Spanish at 140 Level

She had spent the last two months researching Spanish-speaking countries in hopes of finding one where residents only spoke in simple, indicative sentences.


OP-ED: My Kid’s Not Playing Football. Just Look at Me!

No way will my child play football — at least, not with those slow feet.


Students Adopt Man Named Doug When Landlord Says They Can't Have Cat

When infamous slumlord Cam Partments told College junior Greg Giacomo and his roommates that they couldn’t adopt a cat, they were devastated. 


Student Spends Night in Bathroom With Hands in Dyson Airblade©, Still Had to Wipe Hands on Jeans.

Around 10 p.m. last night, Jack went to the bathroom — the one that looks a little fancy from the outside but has the same stank as the bathrooms in Pottruck.


Newsflash: The Rodent in Your Dorm Room Isn’t a Mouse, It’s an Elephant Shrew!

Yo kid, that’s not a mouse under your refrigerator, that’s a goddamn elephant shrew, and you better take good care of it.


‘Student Athlete' Misses Group's Meeting for 4th Week in a Row to Participate in Fantasy Football Game

Johnny Lawson (C '21) takes a sip of gatorade. It’s the fourth quarter, he’s down eight points and it all comes down to this.


Our Date Was Going so Well, Until He Had to Get Extra White Sauce

Our first date was going so well, so I thought why not take it to the next level and go to a food truck.


First Canada Gooses Spotted on Campus! Is It That Cold or Is Everyone Dressed like a Douchebag for Halloween?

As this frigid October continues to prove that global warming is a left-wing hoax, students have been donning their winter coats especially early this year.


GoPuff Beer Delivery Ordered for Eagles Parade Finally Arrives

After nine months of getting his hopes up, Jeremy Bird (C ‘20) didn’t want to get fooled again.


Biology Professor Cancels Midterm After Forgetting to Include Motivational Calvin and Hobbes Cartoon

Professor Schumann’s Biology 101 students were only five minutes into their first midterm when disaster struck. Schumann watched as students finished the first page of the test and flipped open the second page. Not a single student chuckled—not even a wry smile. Schumann had forgotten to include his sixth favorite Calvin and Hobbes comic strip above question 8.


BREAKING: Student Bravely Walks Past Site of UPenn Alert

Last Friday night, students were alarmed to hear of a burglary at 40th and Walnut. While most of us locked ourselves in our bedrooms scared shitless until we received the “all clear” message from Penn security, one student faced the danger head on.


Students Can Now Use LibCal to Sexile Their Roommates

Gone are the days of neckties on your doorknob and drunk texts at 2:00 a.m. kindly asking your roommate to fuck off to their friend’s couch. Students are now able to conveniently schedule their hookups directly through LibCal.


TSA Praises Van Pelt Library Security for Finding Innovative Ways to Annoy People in a Rush

Last night, Van Pelt Library was awarded its greatest honor to date. In a surprise announcement, head of the Transportation Security Administration David Shoosoff named Van Pelt the recipient of their prestigious “Keeping Americans Safe Award."


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