Elias Rappaport


Articles

Album Review: Why Sheck Wes’s “MUDBOY” Is 2018's Best Album to Take a Stubborn Poo To

Sheck Wes’s “MUDBOY” has guided me through type 4 logs and type 2 craggly poos. Truly Sheck has been there through the best and worst of times.


OP-ED: Even Slackbot Won’t Respond to My Messages

There was just something about her mix of confidence and humility that I was immediately attracted to. With no options left, I shot my shot.


Religious Studies Professor Discovers God Made Eve to Improve Adam’s Ratio

Adam doth wanted to go to a Snakes fraternity party, but the bro at the front door was all like, ‘thou shalt take a lap and come back with ye woman because the ratio inside’s fucked.


Incoming Freshman Disappointed to Learn Penn is not a “Free Drug Zone” and That He Cannot Read

Believing the sign to actually signify that all drugs on campus were free and, perhaps, even provided to students, Caulfield immediately set his sights on the school.


5 Cliché Windows For Your Amateur Photoshoot of Impromptu Snowstorm

In the spirit of giving, UTB is here to help you d-bags out. It was hard to narrow down the five best windows out of the 1,366,475 windows on campus, but after great deliberation we have compiled a list.


Ben Simmons MERTed After Every Guy at City Tap House Tells Him to Take More Shots

Despite multiple security guards protecting Simmons from his fellow patrons at Tap House, they could not prevent a few unwelcome comments from being hurled at the NBA player from across the bar. The first of which came from lifelong Sixers fan Dan Spagnola (C ‘19) who yelled at the pass-first point guard to “take more shots.”


Howie Mandel Instructs Student How to “Phone a Lifeline” After Exhausting All Other Two-Step Verification Codes

Sadly, Webster’s only lifeline was his now ex-girlfriend, Miranda Sheath who had "had it up to here with Cole’s drunken bullshit." But left with no other choice, Webster made the call as Howie Mandel hummed the Deal or No Deal theme song to himself, applying ample hand sanitizer all the while.


Sophomore Who Was Promised by Professor There Was No Formula to Getting an A Creates Formula to Get an A

He hadn’t shown up to his PSYC 170 class since mid-September and with the final in the morning, he knew his ass was grass.


Rebel Student Writes Essay in 11pt Arial Before Enlarging to 12pt Times New Roman

Vilsack opened up a new document in Google Drive and just started writing.


Trust The Process: Mid-Tier Frat Hires Sam Hinkie to Manage Tanking for Better Prospects Next Year

Two years ago, they were stuck in the middle—not bad enough to disband, but not good enough for anyone to show up to their parties.


Student Health Announces New Holiday Themed Sex-Ed Campaign: Gift Wrap it Up

It’s officially cuffing season and Student Health Services is here to make sure you keep your pecker in checker.


Sophomore to Study Abroad in London After Realizing No Country Speaks Spanish at 140 Level

She had spent the last two months researching Spanish-speaking countries in hopes of finding one where residents only spoke in simple, indicative sentences.


OP-ED: My Kid’s Not Playing Football. Just Look at Me!

No way will my child play football — at least, not with those slow feet.


Students Adopt Man Named Doug When Landlord Says They Can't Have Cat

When infamous slumlord Cam Partments told College junior Greg Giacomo and his roommates that they couldn’t adopt a cat, they were devastated. 


Student Spends Night in Bathroom With Hands in Dyson Airblade©, Still Had to Wipe Hands on Jeans.

Around 10 p.m. last night, Jack went to the bathroom — the one that looks a little fancy from the outside but has the same stank as the bathrooms in Pottruck.


Newsflash: The Rodent in Your Dorm Room Isn’t a Mouse, It’s an Elephant Shrew!

Yo kid, that’s not a mouse under your refrigerator, that’s a goddamn elephant shrew, and you better take good care of it.


‘Student Athlete' Misses Group's Meeting for 4th Week in a Row to Participate in Fantasy Football Game

Johnny Lawson (C '21) takes a sip of gatorade. It’s the fourth quarter, he’s down eight points and it all comes down to this.


Our Date Was Going so Well, Until He Had to Get Extra White Sauce

Our first date was going so well, so I thought why not take it to the next level and go to a food truck.


First Canada Gooses Spotted on Campus! Is It That Cold or Is Everyone Dressed like a Douchebag for Halloween?

As this frigid October continues to prove that global warming is a left-wing hoax, students have been donning their winter coats especially early this year.


GoPuff Beer Delivery Ordered for Eagles Parade Finally Arrives

After nine months of getting his hopes up, Jeremy Bird (C ‘20) didn’t want to get fooled again.


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