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Elias Rappaport


Articles

Review: SHS Appointment Just a Series of Chairs You Move to For No Apparent Reason

After a 45 minute wait, I was called back into a care room. I was told to take a seat. Trying to jump the gun, I sat on the operating table. I like how the slight elevation makes my legs fall asleep as they dangle.


Student Introduces New Apex Predator to Beat Roach Infestation, Now Plagued by Hyena Infestation

Henderson did not realize it at the time, but he was creating a diverse ecosystem in his apartment — one that was becoming increasingly unstable.


History Department Rebrands to Ancient Alien Focus

“Next semester I will be exploring the role that LSD-using aliens had in developing world religions."


Bobby’s Burgers Exposed: I’m the One Who Beat Bobby Flay

Most people think that Bobby’s Burgers closed down due to their abysmal management or highly overpriced burgers. They're wrong. As we all know, inflated prices and rude management are a prerequisite to starting a successful restaurant in West Philly.


Review: Locust Walk Sukkah Far Jewier Than Expected

Like any self-hating Jew, I love me a good sukkah. Who wouldn’t want to spend the holidays in a cubic hut?


Report: Penn’s Endowment Has Shrinkage

Penn is no longer well-endowed. After years of the university’s endowment growing gradually, in 2019, Penn’s endowment lost 6.5% of its girth.


OP-ED: Sorry I Have to Juul in Here, It’s an Emotional Support Juul

Oh are my plumes of fumes bothering you? Sorry not sorry, cause this is my emotional support juul and I need it to function.


YouTube Commenter Can’t Decide If He Wants to Be Racist or Nostalgic Today

On Tuesday night, Youtube commenter YungWiz69 sat listlessly at his computer and tried to think of what to comment on Katy Perry’s official music video for 2010 hit “Firework". How did he feel? Like a plastic bag. “I just couldn’t decide,” YungWiz69 later told UTB. “Did I want to write ‘like this comment if you’re still listening to this in 2019!!’ or did I want to say ‘the worst part of this video is the gays.’ How do I choose!”


Nick the Librarian Actually Wise, Sage, and as a Young Man Was Quite the Devil

I was intimidated by your mastery of Franklin, Google Scholar, and all its derivatives. Most of all, I was fearful that you would prove to me just how little I know about books and sourcing them compared to you.


Win! Senior Psych Major Can Finally Spell Physiological

While sitting in his PSYC 162 lecture, Doyle perfectly spelled physiological in his notes.


Penn Baseball Loses Fall Scrimmage to Mr. Richard’s 4th Grade Team

After tying the game 2-2, things went downhill fast for Penn. In the top of the 4th inning, Mr. Richard sent the hounds. With their three best hitters up to bat next, the team of scrappy, prepubescent boys put up eight runs in that inning alone, essentially ending the game.


Quiz: Did You Go to Ritzy Boarding School?

So you’ve been talking to a guy for a little bit, but you just can’t tell how boujee he really is.


Oh Boy! Nick the Librarian Is Coming to Class to Teach Me Primary Sources Again

Every professor tells me the same thing about you Nick, that you’re a “great resource when writing a paper,” but let’s be real, when it’s down to the wire, I’m going on funfactz.com/great-depression to write my paper not Articles+ on Franklin.


Report: 90% of the Class of 2023 Learned Good Words from Their Parents' Record Players

In last Thursday’s Democratic debate, former Vice President Joe Biden assaulted the audience’s ears with a two-minute diatribe on everything from racial relations to how to raise your kids. The lesson: make sure the lil fellas listen to the record player so they can hear words.


How to Recover from Having Your Snapchat Camera Flipped the Wrong Way While Taking a Piss at a Urinal

Stay perfectly still like you’re just a mannequin of a boy peeing. Science has proven that if you stay perfectly still, people will think you are a statue or an art installation.


Biden, Stop Wearing Sunglasses We Know You Have Pink Eye

His penchant for covering his face with ray-bands that went out of style twenty years ago should’ve been a sign.


Junior to Spend Four Months Hiking Through Europe on Pottruck Treadmills

After kissing his girlfriend Vanessa goodbye, Carpenter turned on the treadmill in Pottruck and began his slow, slow hike. He selected Lyon, France as a starting point and looked back at his girlfriend, now crying too as she walked out of the gym.


Senior Writes Name of Class in Perfect Handwriting in Flimsy Attempt to Convince Himself He Cares

If he could just muster the energy to write the name of the class in a visually pleasing font, he could possibly remind himself what giving a single fuck actually felt like.


After 3 Years of Presidential Practice, Joe Biden Is Ready for the Real Thing

Figuring eight years of vice presidential experience was not enough to prepare him for the big promotion, Biden created this role for himself to prepare for 2020.


Junior Who Has Never Cried Had Tear-Eating Bees Behind His Eyes All Along

“Hear me out,” President Gutmann started in a recent trustee meeting. “Free bee implants for every student who enters CAPS."


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