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Elias Rappaport


Articles

White Man’s Burden! Tommy Just Got a Podcast

College senior Tommy Anderson just got a podcast, and you’re gonna fucking listen to it.


No Hand Sanitizer, No Problem: Dave Just Stocked up on Dove for Men 3 in 1

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” Dave later reported from quarantine. “How could so many shoppers be wasting their money buying hand soap, shampoo, and hand sanitizer, when you could just buy a bottle of 3 in 1 for half the price?”


Review: Newly Reopened West and Down Is West-er and Down-er Than Ever

The old West and Down felt like a club run by a disorganized frat. The new West and Down feels like a club run by a disorganized branch of Triads.


Editorial | Under The Button Endorses Colonel Sanders for President

Joe Biden has been flip-flopping for the last 50 years. Meanwhile Col. Sanders has been using the same 11 herbs and spices. Sure, the Colonel is not a seasoned veteran of the political process, but goddamn if that chicken isn’t perfectly seasoned every time.


Student Runs Kissing Booth to Cure His Coronavirus

A young fundraising entrepreneur has taken to Locust Walk in order to raise money to cure his coronavirus.


Jewish History Class Graded 60% on Exams, 40% on Chutzpah

“Now that’s chutzpah,” Dr. Rabinowitz concluded. “And kid, you won’t get nowhere if you don’t got chutzpah.”


Sorority Rush Man on the Street

 Joseph Elston talks to the future leaders of Penn's Panhellenic societies.


Inside the Mask and Wig Pitch Room

The Mask and Wig Club, a private club in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, founded in 1889, is the oldest all-male collegiate musical comedy troupe in the United States. Here is an inside look into the minds behind the production. 


While the World Is Literally Burning, Thank You NYT for the Five New Paella Recipes

Yeah yeah, Trump did call the Prime Minister of Italy ‘Giuseppe Spaghetti’ today, but I’m blissfully distracted by these delicious new paella recipes.


OP-ED: Can We Fix Democracy Somewhere Besides Perry World House?

We can hardly fix these problems in the U.N., but for some reason, at 5 P.M. on Tuesday, I have to pack my stuff up so you can try to fix it in a literal house. It just seems personal.


What a Dork! This Freshman’s Cover Photo Isn’t Even Promoting Anything

When I look at a stranger’s cover photo, I can tell if they have friends or not. If they’re promoting their club or frat’s latest event, it is clear that they have a social life and that they matter. However, if I see a photo of them with their friends, all I can think is “wow, what a loser.”


Following Big Donation, Penn to Rename Philosophy, Politics, and Economics Major to Politics, Philosophy, and Economics

After a recent multi-million dollar donation by James Politics, PPE is getting a major name change. After years of placing philosophy first in its three-pronged list, PPE is relegating it to the second P slot. 


Review: SHS Appointment Just a Series of Chairs You Move to For No Apparent Reason

After a 45 minute wait, I was called back into a care room. I was told to take a seat. Trying to jump the gun, I sat on the operating table. I like how the slight elevation makes my legs fall asleep as they dangle.


Student Introduces New Apex Predator to Beat Roach Infestation, Now Plagued by Hyena Infestation

Henderson did not realize it at the time, but he was creating a diverse ecosystem in his apartment — one that was becoming increasingly unstable.


History Department Rebrands to Ancient Alien Focus

“Next semester I will be exploring the role that LSD-using aliens had in developing world religions."


Bobby’s Burgers Exposed: I’m the One Who Beat Bobby Flay

Most people think that Bobby’s Burgers closed down due to their abysmal management or highly overpriced burgers. They're wrong. As we all know, inflated prices and rude management are a prerequisite to starting a successful restaurant in West Philly.


Review: Locust Walk Sukkah Far Jewier Than Expected

Like any self-hating Jew, I love me a good sukkah. Who wouldn’t want to spend the holidays in a cubic hut?


Report: Penn’s Endowment Has Shrinkage

Penn is no longer well-endowed. After years of the university’s endowment growing gradually, in 2019, Penn’s endowment lost 6.5% of its girth.


OP-ED: Sorry I Have to Juul in Here, It’s an Emotional Support Juul

Oh are my plumes of fumes bothering you? Sorry not sorry, cause this is my emotional support juul and I need it to function.


YouTube Commenter Can’t Decide If He Wants to Be Racist or Nostalgic Today

On Tuesday night, Youtube commenter YungWiz69 sat listlessly at his computer and tried to think of what to comment on Katy Perry’s official music video for 2010 hit “Firework". How did he feel? Like a plastic bag. “I just couldn’t decide,” YungWiz69 later told UTB. “Did I want to write ‘like this comment if you’re still listening to this in 2019!!’ or did I want to say ‘the worst part of this video is the gays.’ How do I choose!”


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