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Elias Rappaport


Articles

Sorority Rush Man on the Street

 Joseph Elston talks to the future leaders of Penn's Panhellenic societies.


Inside the Mask and Wig Pitch Room

The Mask and Wig Club, a private club in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, founded in 1889, is the oldest all-male collegiate musical comedy troupe in the United States. Here is an inside look into the minds behind the production. 


While the World Is Literally Burning, Thank You NYT for the Five New Paella Recipes

Yeah yeah, Trump did call the Prime Minister of Italy ‘Giuseppe Spaghetti’ today, but I’m blissfully distracted by these delicious new paella recipes.


OP-ED: Can We Fix Democracy Somewhere Besides Perry World House?

We can hardly fix these problems in the U.N., but for some reason, at 5 P.M. on Tuesday, I have to pack my stuff up so you can try to fix it in a literal house. It just seems personal.


What a Dork! This Freshman’s Cover Photo Isn’t Even Promoting Anything

When I look at a stranger’s cover photo, I can tell if they have friends or not. If they’re promoting their club or frat’s latest event, it is clear that they have a social life and that they matter. However, if I see a photo of them with their friends, all I can think is “wow, what a loser.”


Following Big Donation, Penn to Rename Philosophy, Politics, and Economics Major to Politics, Philosophy, and Economics

After a recent multi-million dollar donation by James Politics, PPE is getting a major name change. After years of placing philosophy first in its three-pronged list, PPE is relegating it to the second P slot. 


Review: SHS Appointment Just a Series of Chairs You Move to For No Apparent Reason

After a 45 minute wait, I was called back into a care room. I was told to take a seat. Trying to jump the gun, I sat on the operating table. I like how the slight elevation makes my legs fall asleep as they dangle.


Student Introduces New Apex Predator to Beat Roach Infestation, Now Plagued by Hyena Infestation

Henderson did not realize it at the time, but he was creating a diverse ecosystem in his apartment — one that was becoming increasingly unstable.


History Department Rebrands to Ancient Alien Focus

“Next semester I will be exploring the role that LSD-using aliens had in developing world religions."


Bobby’s Burgers Exposed: I’m the One Who Beat Bobby Flay

Most people think that Bobby’s Burgers closed down due to their abysmal management or highly overpriced burgers. They're wrong. As we all know, inflated prices and rude management are a prerequisite to starting a successful restaurant in West Philly.


Review: Locust Walk Sukkah Far Jewier Than Expected

Like any self-hating Jew, I love me a good sukkah. Who wouldn’t want to spend the holidays in a cubic hut?


Report: Penn’s Endowment Has Shrinkage

Penn is no longer well-endowed. After years of the university’s endowment growing gradually, in 2019, Penn’s endowment lost 6.5% of its girth.


OP-ED: Sorry I Have to Juul in Here, It’s an Emotional Support Juul

Oh are my plumes of fumes bothering you? Sorry not sorry, cause this is my emotional support juul and I need it to function.


YouTube Commenter Can’t Decide If He Wants to Be Racist or Nostalgic Today

On Tuesday night, Youtube commenter YungWiz69 sat listlessly at his computer and tried to think of what to comment on Katy Perry’s official music video for 2010 hit “Firework". How did he feel? Like a plastic bag. “I just couldn’t decide,” YungWiz69 later told UTB. “Did I want to write ‘like this comment if you’re still listening to this in 2019!!’ or did I want to say ‘the worst part of this video is the gays.’ How do I choose!”


Nick the Librarian Actually Wise, Sage, and as a Young Man Was Quite the Devil

I was intimidated by your mastery of Franklin, Google Scholar, and all its derivatives. Most of all, I was fearful that you would prove to me just how little I know about books and sourcing them compared to you.


Win! Senior Psych Major Can Finally Spell Physiological

While sitting in his PSYC 162 lecture, Doyle perfectly spelled physiological in his notes.


Penn Baseball Loses Fall Scrimmage to Mr. Richard’s 4th Grade Team

After tying the game 2-2, things went downhill fast for Penn. In the top of the 4th inning, Mr. Richard sent the hounds. With their three best hitters up to bat next, the team of scrappy, prepubescent boys put up eight runs in that inning alone, essentially ending the game.


Quiz: Did You Go to Ritzy Boarding School?

So you’ve been talking to a guy for a little bit, but you just can’t tell how boujee he really is.


Oh Boy! Nick the Librarian Is Coming to Class to Teach Me Primary Sources Again

Every professor tells me the same thing about you Nick, that you’re a “great resource when writing a paper,” but let’s be real, when it’s down to the wire, I’m going on funfactz.com/great-depression to write my paper not Articles+ on Franklin.


Report: 90% of the Class of 2023 Learned Good Words from Their Parents' Record Players

In last Thursday’s Democratic debate, former Vice President Joe Biden assaulted the audience’s ears with a two-minute diatribe on everything from racial relations to how to raise your kids. The lesson: make sure the lil fellas listen to the record player so they can hear words.


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