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I Don’t Date Temple Boys Because I’m Scared of Mumps, and Also a Raging Elitist


Photo by Filip Pticek / CC BY 2.0

Yeah, I don’t take Temple boys. 

Have you heard about that mumps crisis?

They just had to quarantine all of UCLA, so I’m not messing with that disease at all. So not Gucci. 

That’s the only reason I ghosted that guy Jake from Temple.

Not because I’m a raging elitist who searches the net worth of all of my dates, but because I’m scared of mumps.

Yep — mumps. I’m sure that whether he didn’t know he had mumps or was fully vaccinated, he still had mumps in his mind, and that’s what matters.

Also, he definitely couldn’t get me into a downtown, or buy me a Porsche, or bring me Wawa at 3 a.m. when I’m drunk as well.

Wait they have Wawa’s at Temple too?!

Damn I need another reason. 

Mumps. Just the mumps. I could see the mumps on him. Smell them.

It wasn’t the fact that I searched his Insta later, saw his bio, and noped the freak outta there. Nope, because that would make me an elitist, and I’m not.

I just have standards, and those standards extend only to the reaches of Penn’s campus and not one step further.