OP-ED: The Mouse in My Apartment Doesn’t Pay Rent so I’m Going to Murder Her and Her Entire Family

We live in a cruel, capitalistic world. That means rent is expensive, and anyone who lives under my roof needs to pay their fair share. A mouse moved into my apartment without giving her deposit or first/last month’s rent. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to brutally murder her and her entire family because she isn’t paying her fair share. I don’t make the rules; I just enforce them. 

It’s not because she’s a rodent who probably lives in my cereal boxes and spreads disease and sleeps on top of my pillow when I’m not home, infecting me with some new, untreatable plague yet to be seen by humans. It’s because she isn’t paying rent, and I’m not going to be taken advantage of. 

I know that she’s probably got an entire family to support, but that family is living in my closet, eating my food, and taking advantage of my heating bill. I’ve been abused enough by this system. Enough is enough. I’ve given her plenty of time, posted eviction notices on low surfaces so that she can see them, and even considered living in harmony with her. But that’s all over now. I’m getting mouse traps in the morning. There’s no other way to solve this except through an extreme act of violence. Maybe if she gets her check in by the morning I’ll let one of her kids live — if I’m in a good mood. This is what capitalism does to us all. Perhaps, one day, in a socialist society, the mouse and I can live together in peace. Today is not that day.