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Student Prepping for SHS Appointment Guzzles 6 Bottles of Gummy Vitamins


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

Wharton sophomore Brandon Wong was seen running out of CVS last Tuesday with two bags of Vitafusion™ Adult GummiVites. As he strutted down Walnut back to his house, many observers reported seeing Wong repeatedly shaking the jar into his mouth and scarfing down about 15 vitamins in one terrifying chomp. 

While we understand Wong’s desire to be big and strong, UTB investigative staff found his behavior troubling and decided to investigate. 

In an interview with the Health King himself, Wong revealed that he was “simply preparing for [his] Student Health Services appointment this Thursday. It's just like studying for a test. When you don't pay attention all semester, you cram the night before, and then you get an A. I'm going to ace the shit out of this doctor's appointment.”

After months of 2 a.m. hoagies, an utter rejection of the concept of exercise, and a slight nicotine addiction, he hoped to impress the attending physician with extremely high levels of vitamin E and to brag about his “healthy looking shits.” 

“Look at me go. I am so fucking healthy,” Wong bragged as he showed us how he chugged his vitamins. “Who even needs a balanced diet and regular exercise when you’ve got your gummy vities?"