Ultimately, everything is bad and nothing is good, and we should all strap in and buckle up for the joint slay of horror that is coming to us in the spring of 2021. 

They are firm, realistic, executable plans that could change at any moment the second we decide something else is more profitable or convenient for us. 

Acme executives have voted to greenlight a 10 million dollar construction project that will erect a mini Acme inside Acme’s satellite Starbucks.

Days on end I have spent somberly staring out the window, my feminine passions lit ablaze by the sight of anyone resembling a delivery man. 

3. Distribute poppers to the poll workers to demonstrate your appreciation for the LGBTQ+ guardians of civil liberty. 

This pandemic has been pretty tough on everyone. For example, the other day I made soup and it took a long time. So frustrating! :/ 

This is a closing time reference! 

"This was a major security risk for Grace, her fellow passengers, and ultimately everyone in this airport. We had no choice but to destroy it," TSA Agent Richard Yu told UTB staff.

“It ultimately came down to us endorsing a candidate we thought could stay awake during a Congressional hearing,” the Center wrote in a statement. “Mr. Biden isn’t senile… but he’s not not senile.” 

Above all for existentialists like Jean-Paul Sartre and Albert Camus, the death of God caused extreme anxiety in the hearts of Europeans.

The Mask and Wig Club, a private club in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, founded in 1889, is the oldest all-male collegiate musical comedy troupe in the United States. Here is an inside look into the minds behind the production. 

We're going to take Locust today. It's going to be fine.

You know what’s also really funny sometimes? Penn jokes! Like about how Wharton students and how they love finance lol. That’s good comedy. Why do they love finance so much?

“I just really like those little Tik Tok videos!” Mrs. Bernstein claimed with her reading glasses on the bridge of her nose. 

Apparently, he said something about “the idea of purity and always [being] politically woke,” but all I heard was “BLAH BLAH I’M A BOOMER BLAH BLAH BLAH.”

Listen! It’s SO fine that you don’t get it, because I have very particular taste in shows and other forms of popular media, and not everyone is like that! But I do want to make sure we are on the same page about one thing: this costume IS funny.

“I have no regrets about my course of action,” Daniel told UTB. “I know my sensei would be really proud of me.” 

If you could read, you would know this is reserved.

In an article earlier this month, the Daily Pennsylvanian reported that the renowned Penn Museum was “rebrand[ing] itself as a ‘gift to the city’ after recent renovations.”

Chloe Jameson (E ’20) is one of many participants. You can find her sitting cross-legged in College Hall, demanding Penn’s divestment from oil, coal, and gas companies, chanting about the looming threat of sea-level rise. But, what if you ask her which bin to put a crumpled sheet of paper in? Expect a blank stare in return.