Why does it need to take A WHOLE MINUTE for me to order, pay, and receive my complicated espresso drink made with a mixture of non-dairy milks?! 

After months and months of being held captive by the prison that is closed toed shoes, Jack is finally able to grace us all with his two-year-old pair of Birkenstocks that proudly display his size 11 feet.

If all the turtles die, who am I going to swim with when I go back to my fave spot in Kauai? Def not my mom lol. Pleaseeee save the turtles so I don’t have to hang out with my mom in Hawaii! 

 It's just like studying for a test. When you don't pay attention all semester, you cram the night before, and then you get an A.

Jupiter’s in retrograde, which is supposed to bring out my spontaneous side, which is NOT something I researched for this particular article.

Anyone who’s anyone knows that the most important part of Spring Fling is the fit you sport from darty to darty throughout the weekend.

Whether you are among the many that couldn’t snatch a ticket or you came to the brave and shocking conclusion that $70 was simply too much to pay to for a pool party without swimming, we have the solution for you.

I am not going to remember your name. There are about 36,000 people running for the UA (sidebar – I don’t even know what that is) and another 4 billion running for internal secretary president of the College’s class board chair, and I cannot keep track.

But God willing, Jared Donovan was there to save the day. 

Upon further inquiry, UTB staff confirms that there isn’t, in fact, a mumps outbreak. Vice Provost Wendell Pritchett simply wanted the opportunity to make the words “inflamed testicles” appear in the inboxes of 8,000 undergraduate students.

Don’t get me wrong. You seem super dope with your high-top converse and all, but this isn’t working out. 

The events are carefully reviewed by a committee of esteemed writers who judge the pieces on a myriad of qualifications. 

Politics, shmolitics. Beto has the vibe of the chill, hot, divorcee who skateboards when he’s not running a tech company in which everyone wears jeans. And his buttocks look damn good in those jeans.

It’s such a relief to finally know our tuition dollars are being put to good use.

With a blood alcohol content of 0.00%, Joseph stepped through the doors of the Mask and Wig Clubhouse.

Workers of the world unite! But can you not, like unite SO much? I still want my crop tops. 

Her pixie cut isn’t the identity crisis you think it is.

It actually does NOT count as oppression when you walk into United By Blue and learn that they are out of it. 

Two groups want a chunk of land. Draw a line down the middle. Each group gets half. Bada bing bada boom.

While she liked almost all of the ads, her favorites included “that one with the M&M, that funny one with the beer, and the one with the babies.”