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Grace Ginsburg


Articles

Not Again! Uncle’s Newest Girlfriend Qualifies for Kids’ Table at Thanksgiving

What? But I’m over 21, shouldn’t I be with Dave and the adults” she says to you, confused. “Yeah, but a tomato is technically a fruit, and we don’t put it in a fruit salad,” you reply, sagely. 


OP-ED: The "W" on My Transcript Stands for Winner

A sweet, sweet little "W" to signify how awesome I am.


OP-ED: They Should Do a Capella With Instruments

The banjo. The banjo cello. The bass banjo. The five-stringed banjo. The four-stringed banjo! The  ZITHER BANJO! All of those fine, fine instruments at your disposal— and you choose your mouths? 


Gift With Purchase: The Kombucha in Acme is Free if You Want it to be

When you get to the checkout line, you really only have to pay for one out of every ten or eleven items you plan on leaving with.


We Counted: Seven (7) Penn Students Have Green Passes

This morning, close to 10,000 undergraduates out of a population of 10,000 undergraduates received red passes. 


Castle Brother Found Innocent by Jury of Other Castle Brothers

A carefully selected jury of the assailant's peers (bros) gathered around a courtroom (castle basement) to perform an objective and unbiased analysis of the night's events.


REPORT: Kelly Writers' House Found to Be Even More Erotic Than Berlin Sex Clubs

Recent groundbreaking ethnographic research conducted by the Ginsburg Institute for the Amorous and Desirable has shown that the Kelly Writers’ House exudes more eroticism and sensuality than Berlin’s hottest sex clubs. 


Help! I Took Adderall and Now I Am On Adderall

But now I am on the adderall, and the unfortunate thing is that I am, in fact, experiencing the sensation of being on adderall. 


Astronautical Engineering and Ten Other Things That Are Easier Than Meal Prepping for One

Childbirth. Now that we’re thinking about it, having twins is probably on par with meal prepping’s level of difficulty. But just one kid? Definitely easier. 


Philly Heroes! Frats Holding Events Downtown To Support Local Restaurants

So frats made a commitment: they were going to host their date nights, rush events, and BYOs at bars and restaurants in the community -- all to stimulate the economy, of course. | Megan Striff-Cave & Grace Ginsburg 




Stressful, Miserable Campus Now Cold and Disease Ridden

Ultimately, everything is bad and nothing is good, and we should all strap in and buckle up for the joint slay of horror that is coming to us in the spring of 2021. 


BREAKING: Penn Makes Firm, Decisive Spring Plan That Will Definitely Not Change

They are firm, realistic, executable plans that could change at any moment the second we decide something else is more profitable or convenient for us. 


BREAKING: Acme to Open a Mini Acme Inside the Starbucks in Acme

Acme executives have voted to greenlight a 10 million dollar construction project that will erect a mini Acme inside Acme’s satellite Starbucks.


Fast Fashion? Zara Order Taking a Little Too Long to Arrive

Days on end I have spent somberly staring out the window, my feminine passions lit ablaze by the sight of anyone resembling a delivery man. 


Under the Button’s Guide to Voting (For Girls and Gays)

3. Distribute poppers to the poll workers to demonstrate your appreciation for the LGBTQ+ guardians of civil liberty. 


OP-ED: It Would Be Really Awesome If They Found a Vaccine

This pandemic has been pretty tough on everyone. For example, the other day I made soup and it took a long time. So frustrating! :/ 


Breaking: You Don’t Have to Go Home, but You Can’t Stay Here

This is a closing time reference! 


Crisis Averted: TSA Seized Grace’s Hummus in Airport Security

"This was a major security risk for Grace, her fellow passengers, and ultimately everyone in this airport. We had no choice but to destroy it," TSA Agent Richard Yu told UTB staff.


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