Letter From the Editor: Okay but Check This Out
Now, I have a natural aptitude for the athletic — I can do a gorgeous spin, and every day I wake up and perform the ancient practice of dance for at least fifteen minutes.
Grace Ginsburg
If Professor Old, Then Why Sexy?
Only a professor’s combination of graying hair, softly wrinkled skin, and comments that make you say, “Wait, is he a Republican?” could so perfectly satisfy both my sapiosexuality and my Oedipus complex.
Letter From the Editor: Okay but Check This Out
Now, I have a natural aptitude for the athletic — I can do a gorgeous spin, and every day I wake up and perform the ancient practice of dance for at least fifteen minutes.
Letter From the Editor: I’m a Vibe? What Do You Mean Angel
My clout got too high! That happens sometimes. Hoes mad!
If Professor Old, Then Why Sexy?
Only a professor’s combination of graying hair, softly wrinkled skin, and comments that make you say, “Wait, is he a Republican?” could so perfectly satisfy both my sapiosexuality and my Oedipus complex.
Not Again! Uncle’s Newest Girlfriend Qualifies for Kids’ Table at Thanksgiving
What? But I’m over 21, shouldn’t I be with Dave and the adults” she says to you, confused. “Yeah, but a tomato is technically a fruit, and we don’t put it in a fruit salad,” you reply, sagely.
OP-ED: The "W" on My Transcript Stands for Winner
A sweet, sweet little "W" to signify how awesome I am.
OP-ED: They Should Do a Capella With Instruments
The banjo. The banjo cello. The bass banjo. The five-stringed banjo. The four-stringed banjo! The ZITHER BANJO! All of those fine, fine instruments at your disposal— and you choose your mouths?
Gift With Purchase: The Kombucha in Acme is Free if You Want it to be
When you get to the checkout line, you really only have to pay for one out of every ten or eleven items you plan on leaving with.
We Counted: Seven (7) Penn Students Have Green Passes
This morning, close to 10,000 undergraduates out of a population of 10,000 undergraduates received red passes.
Castle Brother Found Innocent by Jury of Other Castle Brothers
A carefully selected jury of the assailant's peers (bros) gathered around a courtroom (castle basement) to perform an objective and unbiased analysis of the night's events.
REPORT: Kelly Writers' House Found to Be Even More Erotic Than Berlin Sex Clubs
Recent groundbreaking ethnographic research conducted by the Ginsburg Institute for the Amorous and Desirable has shown that the Kelly Writers’ House exudes more eroticism and sensuality than Berlin’s hottest sex clubs.
Help! I Took Adderall and Now I Am On Adderall
But now I am on the adderall, and the unfortunate thing is that I am, in fact, experiencing the sensation of being on adderall.
Astronautical Engineering and Ten Other Things That Are Easier Than Meal Prepping for One
Childbirth. Now that we’re thinking about it, having twins is probably on par with meal prepping’s level of difficulty. But just one kid? Definitely easier.
Philly Heroes! Frats Holding Events Downtown To Support Local Restaurants
So frats made a commitment: they were going to host their date nights, rush events, and BYOs at bars and restaurants in the community -- all to stimulate the economy, of course. | Megan Striff-Cave & Grace Ginsburg
Wordsearch: Which Penn Greek Org Is Responsible for the COVID Outbreak?
Hint: It's all of them!
Stressful, Miserable Campus Now Cold and Disease Ridden
Ultimately, everything is bad and nothing is good, and we should all strap in and buckle up for the joint slay of horror that is coming to us in the spring of 2021.
BREAKING: Penn Makes Firm, Decisive Spring Plan That Will Definitely Not Change
They are firm, realistic, executable plans that could change at any moment the second we decide something else is more profitable or convenient for us.
BREAKING: Acme to Open a Mini Acme Inside the Starbucks in Acme
Acme executives have voted to greenlight a 10 million dollar construction project that will erect a mini Acme inside Acme’s satellite Starbucks.
Fast Fashion? Zara Order Taking a Little Too Long to Arrive
Days on end I have spent somberly staring out the window, my feminine passions lit ablaze by the sight of anyone resembling a delivery man.
Under the Button’s Guide to Voting (For Girls and Gays)
3. Distribute poppers to the poll workers to demonstrate your appreciation for the LGBTQ+ guardians of civil liberty.
