Screw Astronomy! What Does the Black Hole Mean For My Morning Horoscope?

A while ago, eight different telescopes across the globe synchronized to capture the first-ever image of a black hole. The photographs of the Messier 87 black hole means a whole lot for astronomy, but what does it mean for me, as a Sagittarius?

Black holes are regions of space with so much gravitational force that not even light can escape. As astrologists always say, as above so below. Or, in the words of Penn astrologist Tyler O’Connell (Pisces), “black holes suck, and people do too.” 

But that’s not all. Scientists further indicate that nearly all supermassive black holes such as M87 exist at the center of entire galaxies. After thorough astrological analysis of this fact, O’Connell further informed reporters that, “Suckin’ do make the world go round. Wait, don’t take that out of context, though. Don’t put that last sentence in the article. Are you still recording?”