Eleanor Stalick


Articles

Breaking! Under the BOTton Bot Now Writes My Articles for Me

I web scraped every UTB article ever written, stored them in a .txt, and fed them to my bot.


Braden, Is That a Pocket Constitution or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

“Technically, the first amendment supports me in that...” no, Braden. Do not bring the first amendment into your pants. Just chill out. 


Wellness Win! Stress Is Not The Enemy, as Long as You Don’t Stress About It!

I now save all of the homework for my seven classes for the night it's due! And when I can't finish it all in 45 minutes, I tell myself it's because I'm naturally bad at math, and I will never be as good as the other engineers!


Op Ed: TikTok Ads Give Me the Rush of Being Harassed on the Street

The similarities between these TikTok ads and street harassment always make me reach for my keys… and, as a freshman, I don’t even own keys anymore. How am I supposed to feel safe holding a Penncard between my knuckles?


Student Leaves Room After Finishing CIS 160 Problem Set, Disappointed to Find the Year Is 2019

"Good news was I finished my homework. Bad news was, I failed the class and missed all of winter break."


Penn Meteorologists Declare "As Fuck" New Unit of Measurement

To help students who have no concept of the difference between 30 degrees and 10 degrees, Penn meteorologists have created a new scientific unit of measurement for any temperature falling below 30 degrees. 


Freshman Looking for the Perelman Quadrangle Ends Up in Princeton, New Jersey

Although the donation was well-intentioned, a great number of Penn students feel cheated by the once loyal graduate. Chief among these students are freshman who “just wanted Insomnia.”


OP-ED: I Swear I'm Not Stealing Anything! I'm Walking Slowly Through Frogro Late at Night Because I'm Hella Indecisive

There are only so many reasons someone would be at a Frogro past 11 at night and none of them involve good decision making skills.


OP-ED: I Don’t Mind Getting 25% Off This Assignment, My 8th Trip to Spicy Memory This Semester is More Important

Midterms are worth 50% of the overall grade anyways, so all you have to do is sober up by the next one so you don’t sleep through it like you slept through the first two.  


Penn Dining Unveils Hummus Bar, Other New Vegan Dining Options That Are Also Just Hummus

"We must celebrate our differences. My own mother was 35% vegan on her father’s side. Hummus runs in my veins!"


Crafty! Freshman Smuggles TupperwareTM Into Family’s Thanksgiving Dinner

At this point in the semester, every Penn freshman has either learned to sneak Tupperware out of the dining halls or learned to sneak other, non-TupperwareTM plastic containers out of the dining halls.


'I Dabble in Photography' and Other Ways to Casually Imply That You Don't Spend Your Free Time Re-Watching Friends

“I’m in a secret club.” Damn straight, and the only members are you, Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, Monica, and Ross. And occasionally Janice.


Not Just the Compass: Freshman Think Tank Devises New Excuses for Failing Entire Classes

Penn is all about tradition, and the traditions we make together are those which will define us for generations to come.


Stop the Presses: Girl With 178 Free T-Shirts Denounces Free T-Shirts

Carol Brown began her collection with her college house t-shirt on her first day on campus.


Research Shows: Cali Bro Still Wearing Tank Tops Not Cold Resistant, Just a Tool

Researchers at Penn are investigating a specific breed of person who may require no such protection from the elements: the tank-top-flaunting “Cali Bro.”


U.S. News Ranks Penn First in 'Number of Steaming Manholes'

The University of Pennsylvania certainly falls among the top institutions in the nation for standard achievements such as innovation and diversity, but a recent ranking from U.S. News confirms what everyone already knew: the University of Pennsylvania is the best school in America for access to steaming manholes.


Sophomore Now Survives on Diet Consisting Only of Edible Shrubbery

Several weeks ago, a report was published listing all the edible shrubbery on Penn’s campus. Ever since, Penn’s edible plants have replaced all other sustenance for sophomore Kristine Cole.


6 Ways To Cope When Your Mom Destroys You At Beer Pong

Family weekend is a time wherein students can share their noble yet humbling Penn experience with their closest of relatives. Lucky for you, those relatives went back to their hotels at 7:30… or so you thought.


Elon Musk Tops Wharton's $50 Mil. Donation in Support of Penn Medicine Marijuana Research

Elon Musk, seeing this headline through the bottom of another Teslaquila shot, decided he could do better. Musk announced via twitter, “The single largest gift in Wharton history was my presence. Will donate 50mil and an unused submarine.”


Man Crosses One Lane Of Street Before Crossing Sign Illuminates, Describes Living Life 2 Whole Seconds Ahead Of Peers

According to Wharton sophomore and self-proclaimed economic philosopher Chad Peters, time is the world’s scarcest resource. For those busy souls like Peters, waiting a full 30 seconds for the light to change before crossing the street is simply not an option.


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