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Eleanor Stalick


Articles

Meet the Freshman Surviving the Rest of the Year on 4 Meal Swipes and 7 Dining Dollars

I might pop in three times a day to grab a banana from Commons. Lord knows nothing else there is edible.


Nursing Student Uses Note Cards to Remember The Sensation of Sleep

Freshman eyewitness, Shawn Lane spoke to the contents of the card. “I was able to get a closer look. The details were something like…” Lane proceeded to draw the notecard on a piece of paper, which we have transcribed below.


Screw Astronomy! What Does the Black Hole Mean For My Morning Horoscope?

The photographs of the Messier 87 black hole means a whole lot for astronomy, but what does it mean for me, as a Sagittarius?


College Requirements! Learn a Language at a 3rd Grade Level for Only $40,000

Congratulations! You now possess the ability to make all of your native-speaking friends either sympathetic or uncomfortable.


Look Out! Jessica Cut Her Own Bangs

"My dishes in the sink are hairy now.” 


If You Wanna Be My Lover, Please Have the Summer Application on My Desk by May 1st

I told a bunch of freshman about it, and if they said no thanks, I just told them, “Oh no worries! Lot’s of people wait for their sophomore year to apply. It’s really no rush!”


Big Woof! The Service Dog in Your Lecture Got a Higher Score Than You on the Midterm

Sure, we all know you're not supposed to compare yourself to others at such a competitive school, but what’s the fun in that? Here is a side by side comparison of you and the service dog from lecture.


Pathetic! Jessica Says "Thank You" to Professor Who Just Crushed Her Dreams for 50 Minutes Straight

Equipped with seven different highlighters, a multi-pen, two erasers, and a fleeting hope for success, she scribbled vigorously, but her professor had no mercy.


Going Green! Penn Closes Frontera in Effort to Decrease Gas Emissions from Students

Penn researchers have found that a harsh 92 percent of Penn's greenhouse gas emissions are linked to Frontera consumption.


Louie Louie Booked Entirely by Freshman NSO Couples Celebrating Six Months

If she doesn’t offer to split the bill, I might just cry.


Don’t Feel Bad! Robert Mueller Needs an Extension on His Report Too

Mueller has taken since 2017 to write his report. People have set due dates for it time and time again since then, but has it been released? No. Take your time, girl. Honestly, who’s to say Mueller hasn’t been watching reruns of Friends, too?


OP-ED: Do You Even Know Who My Father Is? Is He Proud of Me? I Would Really Like To Meet Him Someday?

You must be a freshman because you clearly don’t know who my daddy is. Can you even tell me, idiot? Seriously, bro, you don’t even know?


OP-ED: Scoot Squad, We Run These Streets

Philly is a city in need of a protector. And for the small, heavily guarded and heavily gentrified bubble that is Penn, Scoot Squad is up for the challenge.


OP-ED: These Articles Embarrass My Family and Haunt My Future Job Search, so Please at Least like Them

Let’s be honest: when I’m in job interviews, I say I write for the Daily Pennsylvanian. 


"Guess I Can't Intern at Amazon Now," Says Student with No Previous Chance of Interning at Amazon

As of last week, Amazon pulled out of their HQ2 plans for Queens, closing off anticipated job opportunities for many. So, basically, as of last week, senior Whartonite Jeremy Anders’ life was ruined.


OP-ED: A Letter to the Mask and Wig Boy Who Offered a Flyer to the Girl in Front of Me on Locust, but Not to Me

There you were, 100 feet away, nervously standing in the dappled sunlight of Locust Walk. Despite the freezing weather, your somehow still-sweaty hands clutched a stack of flyers: invitations to your beautiful soul.


Breaking! Under the BOTton Bot Now Writes My Articles for Me

I web scraped every UTB article ever written, stored them in a .txt, and fed them to my bot.


Braden, Is That a Pocket Constitution or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

“Technically, the first amendment supports me in that...” no, Braden. Do not bring the first amendment into your pants. Just chill out. 


Wellness Win! Stress Is Not The Enemy, as Long as You Don’t Stress About It!

I now save all of the homework for my seven classes for the night it's due! And when I can't finish it all in 45 minutes, I tell myself it's because I'm naturally bad at math, and I will never be as good as the other engineers!


Op Ed: TikTok Ads Give Me the Rush of Being Harassed on the Street

The similarities between these TikTok ads and street harassment always make me reach for my keys… and, as a freshman, I don’t even own keys anymore. How am I supposed to feel safe holding a Penncard between my knuckles?


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