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Eleanor Stalick


Articles

Penn Medicine, Confused, Moves 12.5-ton Sphincter for the First Time in 93 Years

For the first time in 93 years and also for the first time ever, Penn Medicine will be relocating their 12.5-ton Sphincter statue from the basement of HUP to the main lobby! 


Shocker! Your High School Math Teacher Still Thinks You're an Incompetent Piece of Shit

She knows who you are. She knows what you did. She’s your high school math teacher, and to her, you will always be an incompetent piece of shit.  


OP-ED: The Fastest Way to Remove Plastic from the Oceans Is to Convince Millennials to Eat It

I am a firm believer that millennials can change the world we already have. And by that I of course mean that they can, by 2030, physically consume all of the plastic ever created.  


Intellectual Sisters! Penn to Offer One-Time Summer Course on the James Charles/Tati Beef

 Be honest with yourself, you're going to get so invested that you do all the research by yourself anyways, so why not get credit for it? 


Op-Ed: I Support Pete Buttigieg, But Can We All Please Just Call Him Booty?

If you just embraced your beautiful, unpronounceable last name by allowing everyone in the United States to mock it, I think your edge would be that much sharper.  


Past His Peak! Braden Will Have You Know That He Ran At Penn Relays In Middle School

“Oh! Wow! Penn Relays is going on right now?” said Braden in an interview, clad in his old high school track uniform and Penn Relays hat. “I literally had no idea. But while we’re on the subject…”  


Freshman Still Without Summer Internship Officially up for Adoption

There are so many opportunities that she should totally have something by now.


Meet the Freshman Surviving the Rest of the Year on 4 Meal Swipes and 7 Dining Dollars

I might pop in three times a day to grab a banana from Commons. Lord knows nothing else there is edible.


Nursing Student Uses Note Cards to Remember The Sensation of Sleep

Freshman eyewitness, Shawn Lane spoke to the contents of the card. “I was able to get a closer look. The details were something like…” Lane proceeded to draw the notecard on a piece of paper, which we have transcribed below.


Screw Astronomy! What Does the Black Hole Mean For My Morning Horoscope?

The photographs of the Messier 87 black hole means a whole lot for astronomy, but what does it mean for me, as a Sagittarius?


College Requirements! Learn a Language at a 3rd Grade Level for Only $40,000

Congratulations! You now possess the ability to make all of your native-speaking friends either sympathetic or uncomfortable.


Look Out! Jessica Cut Her Own Bangs

"My dishes in the sink are hairy now.” 


If You Wanna Be My Lover, Please Have the Summer Application on My Desk by May 1st

I told a bunch of freshman about it, and if they said no thanks, I just told them, “Oh no worries! Lot’s of people wait for their sophomore year to apply. It’s really no rush!”


Big Woof! The Service Dog in Your Lecture Got a Higher Score Than You on the Midterm

Sure, we all know you're not supposed to compare yourself to others at such a competitive school, but what’s the fun in that? Here is a side by side comparison of you and the service dog from lecture.


Pathetic! Jessica Says "Thank You" to Professor Who Just Crushed Her Dreams for 50 Minutes Straight

Equipped with seven different highlighters, a multi-pen, two erasers, and a fleeting hope for success, she scribbled vigorously, but her professor had no mercy.


Going Green! Penn Closes Frontera in Effort to Decrease Gas Emissions from Students

Penn researchers have found that a harsh 92 percent of Penn's greenhouse gas emissions are linked to Frontera consumption.


Louie Louie Booked Entirely by Freshman NSO Couples Celebrating Six Months

If she doesn’t offer to split the bill, I might just cry.


Don’t Feel Bad! Robert Mueller Needs an Extension on His Report Too

Mueller has taken since 2017 to write his report. People have set due dates for it time and time again since then, but has it been released? No. Take your time, girl. Honestly, who’s to say Mueller hasn’t been watching reruns of Friends, too?


OP-ED: Do You Even Know Who My Father Is? Is He Proud of Me? I Would Really Like To Meet Him Someday?

You must be a freshman because you clearly don’t know who my daddy is. Can you even tell me, idiot? Seriously, bro, you don’t even know?


OP-ED: Scoot Squad, We Run These Streets

Philly is a city in need of a protector. And for the small, heavily guarded and heavily gentrified bubble that is Penn, Scoot Squad is up for the challenge.


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