For the first time in 93 years and also for the first time ever, Penn Medicine will be relocating their 12.5-ton Sphincter statue from the basement of HUP to the main lobby!
She knows who you are. She knows what you did. She’s your high school math teacher, and to her, you will always be an incompetent piece of shit.
I am a firm believer that millennials can change the world we already have. And by that I of course mean that they can, by 2030, physically consume all of the plastic ever created.
Be honest with yourself, you're going to get so invested that you do all the research by yourself anyways, so why not get credit for it?
If you just embraced your beautiful, unpronounceable last name by allowing everyone in the United States to mock it, I think your edge would be that much sharper.
“Oh! Wow! Penn Relays is going on right now?” said Braden in an interview, clad in his old high school track uniform and Penn Relays hat. “I literally had no idea. But while we’re on the subject…”
There are so many opportunities that she should totally have something by now.
I might pop in three times a day to grab a banana from Commons. Lord knows nothing else there is edible.
Freshman eyewitness, Shawn Lane spoke to the contents of the card. “I was able to get a closer look. The details were something like…” Lane proceeded to draw the notecard on a piece of paper, which we have transcribed below.
The photographs of the Messier 87 black hole means a whole lot for astronomy, but what does it mean for me, as a Sagittarius?
Congratulations! You now possess the ability to make all of your native-speaking friends either sympathetic or uncomfortable.
"My dishes in the sink are hairy now.”
I told a bunch of freshman about it, and if they said no thanks, I just told them, “Oh no worries! Lot’s of people wait for their sophomore year to apply. It’s really no rush!”
Sure, we all know you're not supposed to compare yourself to others at such a competitive school, but what’s the fun in that? Here is a side by side comparison of you and the service dog from lecture.
Equipped with seven different highlighters, a multi-pen, two erasers, and a fleeting hope for success, she scribbled vigorously, but her professor had no mercy.
Penn researchers have found that a harsh 92 percent of Penn's greenhouse gas emissions are linked to Frontera consumption.
If she doesn’t offer to split the bill, I might just cry.
Mueller has taken since 2017 to write his report. People have set due dates for it time and time again since then, but has it been released? No. Take your time, girl. Honestly, who’s to say Mueller hasn’t been watching reruns of Friends, too?
You must be a freshman because you clearly don’t know who my daddy is. Can you even tell me, idiot? Seriously, bro, you don’t even know?
Philly is a city in need of a protector. And for the small, heavily guarded and heavily gentrified bubble that is Penn, Scoot Squad is up for the challenge.