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Eleanor Stalick


Articles

Dear Freshmen: Wash Your Damn Penn Card

During NSO, University affiliates will ask you to “keep that mf thaaang on you.” I, however, will only ask you to either keep that mf thang clean, or keep it away from me. 


Shameful: The Cats Trailer Doesn't Do Enough for Furry Representation in Hollywood

Once again, characters whose identities are obviously and critically furry are being portrayed by non-furry actors. Jason Derulo? Non-furry. Taylor Swift? Non-furry. Idris Elba? Debatable.


Psych 101! Braden Didn't Actually Cheat On Tiffany, He Just Never Developed Object Permanence

 "So basically," explained Braden, "I'm baby." 



Fox News' Tucker Carlson Reports: First Democratic Debate Who?

In their defense, Fox News hopped right into discussion after the debate had finished. "This is Tucker Carlson reporting from a green screen of the Democratic debates in China. This just in. Democrats: do they exist? And if so, I think I might hate them. Back to you, Jim." 


Penn Medicine, Confused, Moves 12.5-ton Sphincter for the First Time in 93 Years

For the first time in 93 years and also for the first time ever, Penn Medicine will be relocating their 12.5-ton Sphincter statue from the basement of HUP to the main lobby! 


Shocker! Your High School Math Teacher Still Thinks You're an Incompetent Piece of Shit

She knows who you are. She knows what you did. She’s your high school math teacher, and to her, you will always be an incompetent piece of shit.  


OP-ED: The Fastest Way to Remove Plastic from the Oceans Is to Convince Millennials to Eat It

I am a firm believer that millennials can change the world we already have. And by that I of course mean that they can, by 2030, physically consume all of the plastic ever created.  


Intellectual Sisters! Penn to Offer One-Time Summer Course on the James Charles/Tati Beef

 Be honest with yourself, you're going to get so invested that you do all the research by yourself anyways, so why not get credit for it? 


Op-Ed: I Support Pete Buttigieg, But Can We All Please Just Call Him Booty?

If you just embraced your beautiful, unpronounceable last name by allowing everyone in the United States to mock it, I think your edge would be that much sharper.  


Past His Peak! Braden Will Have You Know That He Ran At Penn Relays In Middle School

“Oh! Wow! Penn Relays is going on right now?” said Braden in an interview, clad in his old high school track uniform and Penn Relays hat. “I literally had no idea. But while we’re on the subject…”  


Freshman Still Without Summer Internship Officially up for Adoption

There are so many opportunities that she should totally have something by now.


Meet the Freshman Surviving the Rest of the Year on 4 Meal Swipes and 7 Dining Dollars

I might pop in three times a day to grab a banana from Commons. Lord knows nothing else there is edible.


Nursing Student Uses Note Cards to Remember The Sensation of Sleep

Freshman eyewitness, Shawn Lane spoke to the contents of the card. “I was able to get a closer look. The details were something like…” Lane proceeded to draw the notecard on a piece of paper, which we have transcribed below.


Screw Astronomy! What Does the Black Hole Mean For My Morning Horoscope?

The photographs of the Messier 87 black hole means a whole lot for astronomy, but what does it mean for me, as a Sagittarius?


College Requirements! Learn a Language at a 3rd Grade Level for Only $40,000

Congratulations! You now possess the ability to make all of your native-speaking friends either sympathetic or uncomfortable.


Look Out! Jessica Cut Her Own Bangs

"My dishes in the sink are hairy now.” 


If You Wanna Be My Lover, Please Have the Summer Application on My Desk by May 1st

I told a bunch of freshman about it, and if they said no thanks, I just told them, “Oh no worries! Lot’s of people wait for their sophomore year to apply. It’s really no rush!”


Big Woof! The Service Dog in Your Lecture Got a Higher Score Than You on the Midterm

Sure, we all know you're not supposed to compare yourself to others at such a competitive school, but what’s the fun in that? Here is a side by side comparison of you and the service dog from lecture.


Pathetic! Jessica Says "Thank You" to Professor Who Just Crushed Her Dreams for 50 Minutes Straight

Equipped with seven different highlighters, a multi-pen, two erasers, and a fleeting hope for success, she scribbled vigorously, but her professor had no mercy.


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