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Eleanor Stalick


Articles

Op-Ed: If Elon Hates Social Distancing So Much, Why Is He Sending People to the ISS?

Elon launched the biggest social distancing gesture in history this week: he yeeted some guys into space. My question for Elon is, whose side are you on? 


Basically Shakespeare: Jeremy Finishes 700-Page "Killer Bean" Fan Fiction

Despite never having read Shakespeare, Stanley has opted to honor the great poet by dubbing his own opus, King Bean. Asked Stanley's mother, "Can someone please explain Killer Bean to me again?"  


Email From the Provost: "OMG That Was Your Stuff? Ugh, We Threw That out Woops :P"

So, we got bored and threw away every single possession left in a dorm. What are you gonna do about it? It's not like we were gonna actually make a plan to get it back to you. Idiot. 


OP-ED: Ask CHAS to Send You Your Vibrator Already, You Strong, Liberated Woman You

This isn't about you. It's about liberated women everywhere. It's about women everywhere who are really fucking lonely. You can do it. We believe in you. 


Oh No! Melanie Failed Her Coronavirus Test

After some sobbing, Melanie announced she had failed her coronavirus test. "I knew it was pass/fail but my advisor told me they never fail anyone, mom!"  


Uh Oh! TA Now Twitch Streaming Recitations, Wants to Know "What's up, Gamers"

Students from the class were willing to confirm that Owens conveys roughly as much useful information during his Twitch rants on Belle Delphine as he ever did during a regular recitation.  


Poly Sci Professor Once Again Vowing to Release Lectures On-Time Next Week

 The professor will remain anonymous for his own sake, but he knows damn well who he is. 


Has COVID Gone Too Far? Trevor Forced to Wear His "Left at Home" Shirts

Spearman displayed several shirts over Zoom. "I just want you guys to know how bad it is out here on the front lines." Indeed, one shirt asked the viewer to "find x" in the style of an algebra problem, while simultaneously circling the letter "x" in red. Truly horrifying.


So Sad! This "Quarantine" Thing Is Mildly Inconvenient For Travis :(

Travis is as close to struggling as he has ever been, and he would really like your attention right now.


Sick! Noodles Left in Microwave Last Night Probably Still Okay to Eat

Upon further inspection, it was found that Daniel had indeed prepared his noodles not in water but in Skyy. 


Quiz! Can YOU Remember What Classes I'm In? I Literally Don't Know Please Help Oh God

What classes am I in this semester? Asking for a friend. 


Penn Med Study Finds U.S. Only 5 Hours Behind Italy

The United States is as few as five hours behind Italy, and even fewer hours behind other countries.


Vigilante Justice! Cough in This Recitation and You Will Be Squirt-Gunned With Green Apple Hand Sanitizer

Students everywhere are saying, “COUGHHH COUGCCougcuoguhghGHCOUGH.” 


COVID-19 Now Almost As Bad As The Spotted Lanternfly Epidemic

"My entire family perished in the Great Lanternfly Epidemic of 2019," reported one sad, elderly lanternfly, found preaching on 34th and Walnut — probably named Buggy or something. "Thousands. Gone in a matter of months. Our hospitals were over capacity... our leaders refused to acknowledge the problem until it was too late."


Faithful! For Lent, Susie Is Giving Up

Susie details her plan to “give up” as sitting in her room in bed until Easter, eating ramen, watching Netflix, and crying.


Local 14 Year Old Feels Validated Knowing God Also Plays Pandemic 2

The game has 16 million plays and its user approval rating is 98%. Said Richie, “Of course God plays Pandemic 2. He basically crafted it himself.” 


Helpful TA Wants to Inform You That "You Look Tired"

Surely, we must thank this valiant hometown hero for reminding Karen that the bags under her eyes could carry all of her textbooks at once.


Quiz: Do YOU Know the Answers to the Geology Homework?

You know what is so crazy is that I just finished the homework by myself and I was wondering if maybe, if you wanted, you could tell me what the answers are and then I could tell you what answers I got! 


Deadline Extended! You May Now Wait Another Week to Write Our Intern App in One Frantic Evening

You piece of garbage. We know that you haven't even started our application yet, you absolute fucking mess of a human being. What have you even been doing? Homework? A likely story.  


Breaking! Up With You! I Am Breaking Up With You

Hello again. Sorry for ghosting you for a month. I really thought you would forget I exist, but I guess we have Stats together… and Econ… and Intro to Geology. Anyways I would stop going to those classes completely because I hate them, but there’s this super hot girl who I honestly might need as a rebound after we — oh yeah by the way, can we talk?


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