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Eleanor Stalick


Articles

Studies Show Successful People Begin Their Day by Marking All Email Newsletters as Read

“I’m subscribed to 48 email newsletters, and I mark every single one of them as read,” said one Wharton senior, Jared Johnson. “I want every single person behind me in my 9 A.M. to know that no bit of news is worthy of my time.


A Penn Freshman's Guide to Using LinkedIn

Recent studies have shown that you should not use LinkedIn. Other studies have shown that LinkedIn is good to use; this, however, is not the case.


TA Not Paid Enough to Have Entire Baseball Team in One Recitation

While your TA Greg is paid enough to sustain his body during this hour, he is not paid enough to sustain his soul. 


Jessica Looks Under Table Passive Aggressively, Oblivious Classmate Continues to Tap Stupid Foot

“My stupid neighbor has a stupid foot, and they kept tapping it. So, of course, I looked under the table.” Sources say Jessica really shoved her whole head under there. 


OP-ED: God Gave Cis Majors Self-Doubt Because He Doesn't Want Them to Break out of the Matrix

A recent study by the University of Pennsylvania found that 100% of CIS majors at Penn experience self-doubt, and some straight-up depression. But why? Could it be the crippling amount of work they are expected to complete every week? Perhaps it's the strictly-enforced private nature of their work that allows for no open collaboration with other CIS students who might otherwise ease their grief.


DP Wins Pacemaker Despite Existence of Under the Button

The Daily Pennsylvanian recently received several college journalism accolades. These awards included the prestigious Pacemaker Award, commonly referred to as the “Pulitzer Prize of college journalism." While this achievement would be amazing on its own, it is especially so considering the existence of Under the Button.


Becka's Dressed as a Spotted Lantern Fly for Halloween, Now Has an Excuse to Get Totally Smashed

Spotted lanternflies. They are invasive. We all agree that anyone who hasn’t smashed at least 10,000 of those nasty little fucks by now hates the environment, the University of Pennsylvania, and these good United States of America.


Bethany Bought String Lights and Miniature Clothespins, Forgot to Buy Pictures of Her with Her Friends

Bethany, an engineering Freshman, is so good at interior design that she decided to put up string lights on the wall of her otherwise barren dorm room so she could hang up pictures of her friends with tiny clothespins.


Behind The Scenes! CNN Takes Commercial Break so Democratic Candidates Can Poop

However, have you ever considered that CNN only gives candidates commercial breaks so that they can go poop? 


Personality Quiz! Will You Be the Heir to Amy Gutmann’s Throne?

Are you an eccentric older woman? Are you an eccentric younger woman, looking to be an eccentric older woman? 


American Public Schools to Offer Big Mouth as Health Ed. Replacement

While Big Mouth was surely developed to be watched in private by ad audience of frustrated adults who never received proper health education, its purpose is being shifted this week to the source of the epidemic: kids who never received proper health ed.


A Freshman's Guide to All the Fraternities on Penn's Campus

There’s the one on Locust, and the other one on Locust, and the other one on Locust, and maybe another one on Locust? Do not confuse these with the M&T building. M&T is the most exclusive frat of all. 


Karen Experiences First Orgasm After Descending Harrison Elevator Without Stopping

On any other Monday morning, she would have reached menopause before getting to the Harrison lobby.


'It's Not a Frat House, It's a Frat Home,' Says Freshman with Quasi-Stockholm Syndrome

Upon further inquiry into Staleman’s life at home, Staleman replied “I would drink piss for my boys. I have drunk piss for my boys! And I don’t even mean natty lite bro. Piss into my mouth, bro! Do it, bro!”


Trump Now Has a Problem with Children Dying

President Trump, following a wave of vaping related deaths, has issued restrictions that would ban the sale of “flavored e-cigarettes” until their approval by the FDA. "Human children everywhere are saying 'he really cares about the children!'" reported one White House official.


UTB Writer Joins Opinion, Forced to Mock Own Content

I’ll send you guys my pitches and you go ahead and publish them. I’ll get to work on the parodies.


Cool! Girl Next to me Staring at Her Phone Even Though We Both Know Damn Well There's No Service on This Elevator

If you’ve ever been in one of the high rises, you know there’s no service on the elevators. In addition to there being no service on this particular elevator, there are also no other people. Sources say it’s just me and this bitch.


Penn Reveals "Gregory West" Just a Storage Container in the C '25 Alleyway

The house is set to be finished two weeks ago, as it is simply a storage container in the Class of 25 alleyway, possibly leftover from move-in.


Engineer Waits Until Add/Drop Deadline to Register for Classes, Spends Entire First Week Stressing out and Playing Minecraft

I don’t know if he understands that engineers don’t get syllabus days, but God I wish I was on the server with him instead of doing the 243 math problems 8 CIS assignments and 2 CAD’s my professors assigned in the first two days of class.


Dear Freshmen: Wash Your Damn Penn Card

During NSO, University affiliates will ask you to “keep that mf thaaang on you.” I, however, will only ask you to either keep that mf thang clean, or keep it away from me. 


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