The Results Are In! Obama Won
If we’re going to spread fake news, we might as well make it good news.
Eleanor Stalick
Close Call! Good Thing My Girlfriend Goes to Law School in New Jersey
Lucky for me, my girlfriend goes to law school in New Jersey, NOT New York. (She goes to a different school, you wouldn't know her.) I am so thrilled that I will be able to visit her every weekend during the school year.
The Results Are In! Obama Won
If we’re going to spread fake news, we might as well make it good news.
Penn Provides Free COVID Testing (Included with all Purchases $80,000 or More)
Coming to a school near YOU for THIS FALL ONLY, you can get your VERY OWN COVID-19 testing kit for FREE! Every Penn student will be provided with no less than TWO free COVID-19 testing kits prior to the start of the fall semester!
Close Call! Good Thing My Girlfriend Goes to Law School in New Jersey
Lucky for me, my girlfriend goes to law school in New Jersey, NOT New York. (She goes to a different school, you wouldn't know her.) I am so thrilled that I will be able to visit her every weekend during the school year.
6 Goya Bean Alternatives: A Photo Essay
It's like, you still kinda need beans and such, but you also kinda need to live in a country with moral standards and such. I bean there, girl. Lucky for you, I've compiled this list of 6 Goya alternatives to balance out your dual needs for beans and freedom.
The United Yets of America: Here's How Kanye Can Win in 2020
Assuming Kanye wins every toss-up vote, every Democratic-leaning vote, and every Republican-leaning vote, he will have secured a total of 225 electoral college votes, easily beating out both Biden and Trump.
Makes Sense! Celebrate Veterans with PTSD by Lighting Off Explosives
"If there's one thing people who come back from war love, its explosives. Why do you think they wanted to go to war in the first place?" UTB fact-checkers determined that this statement "definitely checks out."
Op-Ed: Here's Why I, Eleanor Stalick, am Dropping Out of the Vice Presidential Race
Isn't it crazy that Joe Biden and I thought the exact same thing about me not being a VP candidate? Wouldn't Joe Biden and I work so well together? Haha jk... unless?
Penn Vows to Increase Diversity of Diseases Available to Underclassmen
"I have hand, foot, and mouth already," shouted one excited incoming freshman, peering out of an inconspicuous bush on Locust Walk. "I was accepted ED, and I've been waiting to roll around on the floor of a quad bathroom ever since! I can't wait to get COVID-19! Is this the Penn experience?"
Thank God! Buzzed Hair to Grow Out Again Before Country Reopens
"In those online 'cut your own hair' tutorials, they never tell you how drunk you're supposed to be. Turns out, maybe not as drunk as I was haha!" Norstalick laughed, nervously. Her family reported that she was completely sober when she buzzed her hair.
Protesters in University City Implicated in Breaking Harrison Elevator
One Black Lives Matter protestor, Nathan Jones CAS '21, questioned the legitimacy of such accusations. "Assuming that Black Lives Matter broke those elevators would be assuming that any human being would actually go into those elevators voluntarily. I know those elevators, and I'm telling you, it's a lie."
Op-Ed: If Elon Hates Social Distancing So Much, Why Is He Sending People to the ISS?
Elon launched the biggest social distancing gesture in history this week: he yeeted some guys into space. My question for Elon is, whose side are you on?
Basically Shakespeare: Jeremy Finishes 700-Page "Killer Bean" Fan Fiction
Despite never having read Shakespeare, Stanley has opted to honor the great poet by dubbing his own opus, King Bean. Asked Stanley's mother, "Can someone please explain Killer Bean to me again?"
Email From the Provost: "OMG That Was Your Stuff? Ugh, We Threw That out Woops :P"
So, we got bored and threw away every single possession left in a dorm. What are you gonna do about it? It's not like we were gonna actually make a plan to get it back to you. Idiot.
OP-ED: Ask CHAS to Send You Your Vibrator Already, You Strong, Liberated Woman You
This isn't about you. It's about liberated women everywhere. It's about women everywhere who are really fucking lonely. You can do it. We believe in you.
Oh No! Melanie Failed Her Coronavirus Test
After some sobbing, Melanie announced she had failed her coronavirus test. "I knew it was pass/fail but my advisor told me they never fail anyone, mom!"
Uh Oh! TA Now Twitch Streaming Recitations, Wants to Know "What's up, Gamers"
Students from the class were willing to confirm that Owens conveys roughly as much useful information during his Twitch rants on Belle Delphine as he ever did during a regular recitation.
Poly Sci Professor Once Again Vowing to Release Lectures On-Time Next Week
The professor will remain anonymous for his own sake, but he knows damn well who he is.
Has COVID Gone Too Far? Trevor Forced to Wear His "Left at Home" Shirts
Spearman displayed several shirts over Zoom. "I just want you guys to know how bad it is out here on the front lines." Indeed, one shirt asked the viewer to "find x" in the style of an algebra problem, while simultaneously circling the letter "x" in red. Truly horrifying.
So Sad! This "Quarantine" Thing Is Mildly Inconvenient For Travis :(
Travis is as close to struggling as he has ever been, and he would really like your attention right now.
Sick! Noodles Left in Microwave Last Night Probably Still Okay to Eat
Upon further inspection, it was found that Daniel had indeed prepared his noodles not in water but in Skyy.
