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Eleanor Stalick


Articles

'I'm Done With Finals Already' Reports Annoying-Ass Bitch

He's actually not done with finals yet. He still has a final paper due on Friday. 


NCH West Planners Increase Noise Pollution, Successfully Drown out Noise Pollution Complaints

Situated at the corner of 40th and Walnut streets, construction on the record-breaking $163 million dorm hall began in December 2018, with the site facing Du Bois College House, Gregory College House, and Rodin College House.


Resume Worthy! Sarah Used More Unique Words Last Week Than 99% of Grammarly Users

Said all other Penn students, “What the fuck is Grammarly?” 


Caps Installs an Elementary School Swing Set on College Green for Students to Brood On

Because student mental wellness is of the utmost importance to Penn, the University has chosen to invest 1.5 hundred dollars in a state-of-the-art swing set, bought secondhand from a nearby elementary school.


Studies Show Successful People Begin Their Day by Marking All Email Newsletters as Read

“I’m subscribed to 48 email newsletters, and I mark every single one of them as read,” said one Wharton senior, Jared Johnson. “I want every single person behind me in my 9 A.M. to know that no bit of news is worthy of my time.


A Penn Freshman's Guide to Using LinkedIn

Recent studies have shown that you should not use LinkedIn. Other studies have shown that LinkedIn is good to use; this, however, is not the case.


TA Not Paid Enough to Have Entire Baseball Team in One Recitation

While your TA Greg is paid enough to sustain his body during this hour, he is not paid enough to sustain his soul. 


Jessica Looks Under Table Passive Aggressively, Oblivious Classmate Continues to Tap Stupid Foot

“My stupid neighbor has a stupid foot, and they kept tapping it. So, of course, I looked under the table.” Sources say Jessica really shoved her whole head under there. 


OP-ED: God Gave Cis Majors Self-Doubt Because He Doesn't Want Them to Break out of the Matrix

A recent study by the University of Pennsylvania found that 100% of CIS majors at Penn experience self-doubt, and some straight-up depression. But why? Could it be the crippling amount of work they are expected to complete every week? Perhaps it's the strictly-enforced private nature of their work that allows for no open collaboration with other CIS students who might otherwise ease their grief.


DP Wins Pacemaker Despite Existence of Under the Button

The Daily Pennsylvanian recently received several college journalism accolades. These awards included the prestigious Pacemaker Award, commonly referred to as the “Pulitzer Prize of college journalism." While this achievement would be amazing on its own, it is especially so considering the existence of Under the Button.


Becka's Dressed as a Spotted Lantern Fly for Halloween, Now Has an Excuse to Get Totally Smashed

Spotted lanternflies. They are invasive. We all agree that anyone who hasn’t smashed at least 10,000 of those nasty little fucks by now hates the environment, the University of Pennsylvania, and these good United States of America.


Bethany Bought String Lights and Miniature Clothespins, Forgot to Buy Pictures of Her with Her Friends

Bethany, an engineering Freshman, is so good at interior design that she decided to put up string lights on the wall of her otherwise barren dorm room so she could hang up pictures of her friends with tiny clothespins.


Behind The Scenes! CNN Takes Commercial Break so Democratic Candidates Can Poop

However, have you ever considered that CNN only gives candidates commercial breaks so that they can go poop? 


Personality Quiz! Will You Be the Heir to Amy Gutmann’s Throne?

Are you an eccentric older woman? Are you an eccentric younger woman, looking to be an eccentric older woman? 


American Public Schools to Offer Big Mouth as Health Ed. Replacement

While Big Mouth was surely developed to be watched in private by ad audience of frustrated adults who never received proper health education, its purpose is being shifted this week to the source of the epidemic: kids who never received proper health ed.


A Freshman's Guide to All the Fraternities on Penn's Campus

There’s the one on Locust, and the other one on Locust, and the other one on Locust, and maybe another one on Locust? Do not confuse these with the M&T building. M&T is the most exclusive frat of all. 


Karen Experiences First Orgasm After Descending Harrison Elevator Without Stopping

On any other Monday morning, she would have reached menopause before getting to the Harrison lobby.


'It's Not a Frat House, It's a Frat Home,' Says Freshman with Quasi-Stockholm Syndrome

Upon further inquiry into Staleman’s life at home, Staleman replied “I would drink piss for my boys. I have drunk piss for my boys! And I don’t even mean natty lite bro. Piss into my mouth, bro! Do it, bro!”


Trump Now Has a Problem with Children Dying

President Trump, following a wave of vaping related deaths, has issued restrictions that would ban the sale of “flavored e-cigarettes” until their approval by the FDA. "Human children everywhere are saying 'he really cares about the children!'" reported one White House official.


UTB Writer Joins Opinion, Forced to Mock Own Content

I’ll send you guys my pitches and you go ahead and publish them. I’ll get to work on the parodies.


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