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Eleanor Stalick


Quiz! Can YOU Remember What Classes I'm In? I Literally Don't Know Please Help Oh God

What classes am I in this semester? Asking for a friend. 

Penn Med Study Finds U.S. Only 5 Hours Behind Italy

The United States is as few as five hours behind Italy, and even fewer hours behind other countries.

Vigilante Justice! Cough in This Recitation and You Will Be Squirt-Gunned With Green Apple Hand Sanitizer

Students everywhere are saying, “COUGHHH COUGCCougcuoguhghGHCOUGH.” 

COVID-19 Now Almost As Bad As The Spotted Lanternfly Epidemic

"My entire family perished in the Great Lanternfly Epidemic of 2019," reported one sad, elderly lanternfly, found preaching on 34th and Walnut — probably named Buggy or something. "Thousands. Gone in a matter of months. Our hospitals were over capacity... our leaders refused to acknowledge the problem until it was too late."

Faithful! For Lent, Susie Is Giving Up

Susie details her plan to “give up” as sitting in her room in bed until Easter, eating ramen, watching Netflix, and crying.

Local 14 Year Old Feels Validated Knowing God Also Plays Pandemic 2

The game has 16 million plays and its user approval rating is 98%. Said Richie, “Of course God plays Pandemic 2. He basically crafted it himself.” 

Helpful TA Wants to Inform You That "You Look Tired"

Surely, we must thank this valiant hometown hero for reminding Karen that the bags under her eyes could carry all of her textbooks at once.

Quiz: Do YOU Know the Answers to the Geology Homework?

You know what is so crazy is that I just finished the homework by myself and I was wondering if maybe, if you wanted, you could tell me what the answers are and then I could tell you what answers I got! 

Deadline Extended! You May Now Wait Another Week to Write Our Intern App in One Frantic Evening

You piece of garbage. We know that you haven't even started our application yet, you absolute fucking mess of a human being. What have you even been doing? Homework? A likely story.  

Breaking! Up With You! I Am Breaking Up With You

Hello again. Sorry for ghosting you for a month. I really thought you would forget I exist, but I guess we have Stats together… and Econ… and Intro to Geology. Anyways I would stop going to those classes completely because I hate them, but there’s this super hot girl who I honestly might need as a rebound after we — oh yeah by the way, can we talk?

Considerate Classmate Chews Crunchy Food ~V e r y ~S l o w l y

“Ccc...rrr……... ONCH.” Oh God. Jessica froze. She looked around, the nib of carrot resting on her tongue. Could her classmates hear her? Had they noticed her shame?

OP-ED: Hey Does Anyone Have A Cigarette?

 Wait... does anyone have a cigarette? No pressure, just thirsty. 

OP-ED: I'm in Penn Dems and Yes, I Fall Asleep to Pre-Recorded ASMR Phone Bankers

Between canvassing, registering voters, and getting positively trashed to cope with the fact that Mike Bloomberg is actually gaining traction, my fellow Dems and I have no time to sleep. That is why we have taken the time to record our most skilled phone bankers in the act. 

Breaking! Bethany’s Break Was “Soooo goood omgosh how was yours?? How are youu!?”

Walking to class Thursday morning, Jessica saw Bethany for the first time this year. The two girls were walking on Locust when they made eye contact, lost eye contact, and then accidentally made eye contact again.

Yogurt Left in Fridge Over Break Now More Cultured Than Exchange Student Who Left It

After biking to Di Bruno Bros on a fancy bike, François, whose superiority over American bikes you cannot even begin to comprehend, walked in and began the selection process for the most cultured yogurts money could buy. François carefully weighed each Chobani and Siggi’s in his hands, knocking to check for ripeness and smelling to test for… aroma. You wouldn’t understand.

Dear Professor: I Am But a Poor Orphan Boy. Pathetic Human Garbage. For the Love of God. Let Me Into This Recitation.

I clambered into this world a cold, disgusting little worm man. Even the mound of garbage from which I was created could not bare to house me. And so, like the near-sighted, mud-dwelling mole that I am, I gnarled my way through the heap and into the blinding sun.

'I'm Done With Finals Already' Reports Annoying-Ass Bitch

He's actually not done with finals yet. He still has a final paper due on Friday. 

NCH West Planners Increase Noise Pollution, Successfully Drown out Noise Pollution Complaints

Situated at the corner of 40th and Walnut streets, construction on the record-breaking $163 million dorm hall began in December 2018, with the site facing Du Bois College House, Gregory College House, and Rodin College House.

Resume Worthy! Sarah Used More Unique Words Last Week Than 99% of Grammarly Users

Said all other Penn students, “What the fuck is Grammarly?” 

Caps Installs an Elementary School Swing Set on College Green for Students to Brood On

Because student mental wellness is of the utmost importance to Penn, the University has chosen to invest 1.5 hundred dollars in a state-of-the-art swing set, bought secondhand from a nearby elementary school.