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Past His Peak! Braden Will Have You Know That He Ran At Penn Relays In Middle School


Photo by Mathew B. Fredericks / Public Domain

 Some guys may whine that they hit peak physical shape in college, but Braden is not like other guys. Braden will have you know that he hit peak physical shape in middle school. 

“Oh! Wow! Penn Relays is going on right now?” said Braden in an interview, clad in his old high school track uniform and Penn Relays hat. “I literally had no idea. But while we’re on the subject…” 

Yes Braden, we know you ran at Penn Relays in middle school. Didn’t you read the headline?

“I ran the middle school boys 4x100, and I haven’t worn anything but my spikes or uniform since,” said Braden, hella stinky. At the end of our discussion, Braden walked out of the office on his heels, letting every poor soul he passed by know that he was walking like that to protect his "racing spikes." God forbid he take them off. 

“Maybe you’ll see me in sports news soon!” said Braden as he left. Witnesses report he could be seen in the stands on the live TV broadcasting of Penn Relays, salting his nachos with his tears over a middle school career loved and lost.