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Summertime Magic! Formerly Popular Student Transforms Into a Friendless Hermit


Photo by pxhere / CC0

Eat your heart out, Houdini! This summer, family and friends witnessed Mickey McMillian (C ‘21) transform from outgoing socialite to unkempt recluse in a couple days flat.

While most students can be found hanging out with friends on New Jersey shores, securing a business deal in the bustling streets of Manhattan, or puking halfway around the world in a neon-lit Shanghai nightclub, McMillian has instead dedicated his time to pathetically holing himself up in his dark, desolate, and musty room.

McMillan’s magical transformation from president of 18 different clubs into a complete good-for-nothing came as a complete shock to his family.

“His Facebook feed used to be filled with club updates and selfies galore,” Mickey’s sister recalled. “Now he’s gone completely radio silent.”

“He rarely comes out of his room, and when he does, it’s only to receive his daily bucket of Mountain Dew and chicken tenders,” McMillan’s mother said, eyes heavy and sad.

Not only is voluntarily guzzling a tendie and soda slurry utterly revolting, but according to sources McMillan has also forsaken kindness, self-respect, and basic human decency since leaving the Social Ivy.

“Yesterday, I caught him playing League of Legends,” McMillan’s mother sobbed, tears rolling uncontrollably down her face.

By holding a Dixie cup up to his door and listening very carefully, UTB was able to secure an exclusive interview with the solitary man himself.

“Leave me alone!” McMillan shrieked, banging his fists against the door in a fit of unbridled rage. “Nobody… nobody can know that I live like this!”

Stay tuned for part two of the interview, in which McMillan reveals his 10 tips to a perfect Penn Face!