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Dear Freshmen: Wash Your Damn Penn Card


Photo by iirraa / CC BYNCND 2.0 

If there is one thing a freshman at Penn should know, it’s that Penn students are dirty as hell. And not dirty in the Dirty Dancing sort of way. Just regular stank—dirty. In my freshman year at Penn, my class was exposed to mold, mumps, and hand foot and mouth (literal poopy baby disease). 

This is why the more I think about the concept of the Penn card, the more disgusted I am. Research conducted by the University in early 2019 concluded that “the majority of students at Penn have filthy fucking Penn cards.” Upon the creation of the Penn card in 1742, Dr. University Official himself stated, “Why don’t we all just hold hands vicariously! The communal CAPS chapstick just isn’t killing me fast enough.” If the testimony of Penn officials isn’t enough to convince you, take the testimony of Penn students.

“You know I slide that thing through my ass cheeks,” said junior Alessandro Rodriguez. “Don’t worry though, I’m always sure to make the ‘ding’ noise like the entrance gates in Hill house so that no one in college green gets concerned for my well being.” 

“Even though it’s dirty, I like the Penn card system over a key system. The card is far more versatile,” said engineering senior Penny Blanchett. “Need a toothpick? They’re both okay. Need a screwdriver? Both are fine. But railing Adderall before the 4th CIS 160 midterm? There’s no straighter straight edge than a Penn card. Best case scenario, you get sick from the thing and get an extension on the homework you didn’t do.”

Like I said, wash your damn Penn card. During NSO, University affiliates will ask you to “keep that mf thaaang on you.” I, however, will only ask you to either keep that mf thang clean, or keep it away from me.