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Compensating for Something? Micro Market to Exclusively Stock Magnum XL’s


Photo by Maria Murad / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Micro Market, the automated food store that has just recently replaced Tortas Frontera, has big shoes to fill. Rick Bayless’ signature Mexican cuisine is a tough act to follow, but Rich Hendick, the mastermind behind this latest university initiative, is determined to assert Micro Market’s superiority. “I’ll have you know that my dreams are much larger than Mr. Bayless could ever imagine,” declared Mr. Hendick in our interview. “Despite our diminiutive name, we are certain to dominate this contest. After all,” said Mr. Hendick with a wink, “I have shaken Mr. Bayless’ hand, and I can assure you that my hand was easily five times as large as his.” 

Although according to Hendick the fledgling store has seen “monstrous, absolutely humongous” profits, the store has plans to expand its inventory to include other items that students are certain to need on the go. “We thought that we really had to engorge our inventory as time went on. We’re not show-ers right off the bat,” explained Hendick. “We prefer to grow into our role as the campus superstore. That’s why we’re now stocking condoms, in a variety of tasty flavors.” 

Although many students were baffled at the marketing decision, Hendick insisted that it made perfect sense. “We need students to know that people associated with this establishment can, like, get it. And also,” continued Hendick, “I would like to direct your attention to the fact that we stock exclusively Magnum XL’s. Because, as you know, people who shop at Micro Mart are anything but micro, in any sense of the word. We are individuals well-endowed with personalities of tremendous size and girth. Only the biggest and the most durable can hope to contain us.” 

Hendick promised that his vision for Micro Mart’s is nothing short of gigantic. “They’re so large in fact,” stated Mr. Hendick, “that we’re planning to change our store’s name to ‘Macro Mart.' You know, so people don’t get the wrong idea.”