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With Midterms Looming, Spotted Lanternflies Thrive on the Compass


Photo (with edits) by USDAgov / CC PDM 1.0 and The Daily Pennsylvanian

As midterms season approaches, superstitious freshmen are more diligent than ever in their evasion of the compass. Unfortunately, spotted lanternflies have recognized this trend and are using it to further their agenda for survival, reproduction, and ecological destruction. 

Concerned that they will fail their midterms if they step on the compass, Penn freshmen will not smite the colony. Sophomores, juniors, and seniors, in the words of Evan Harding (W '20), "don't care if the flies are eating trees. Bain's offices are made of concrete, not fucking mahogany, and God is already dead."

UTB reached out to the colony for a comment regarding the mission and intentions of their settlement, and the Lord of the Flies released this statement: "skskskksksksskskks buzzzz buzzzzzz buzzzzzzzzzzz."