The Top 10 Democratic Candidates as Types of Ice Cream
Ananya Chandra | Corn-Loving Grandma
September 11, 2019 at 9:48 am
10. Julian Castro: Olive Oil Ice Cream.
Given his questionable record on fracking, his ice cream should be made with a relative of the industry that he supported as Mayor of San Antonio. And if he doesn’t like this choice, well, I guess he can dodge it like he dodged students’ questions at the Climate Forum.
9. Andrew Yang: Liquid Nitrogen Ice Cream.
It’s overly technical, popular online but not in person, and looks good from distance. Also — his Universal Basic Income (UBI) should provide enough money for people to buy one of these ice creams a year.
8. Amy Klobuchar: Ice Cream from Abused Workers.
Her ice cream comes from a store where workers are paid a generous 1.23 an hour (which they should be grateful for!), have items thrown at them randomly, and are humiliated and screamed at daily. We suggest the salted caramel – the salt from the tears of staffers makes it taste amazing.
7. Beto O’Rourke: Rolled Ice Cream.
Its trendy, expensive, and ultimately exactly the same as other, less expensive and easier to eat ice cream. Looks great on Instagram.
6. Cory Booker: Plain Ice.
Because he’s a vegan. Did you know he’s a vegan? Because – he is. You know. If you were wondering. He is. (Did you know that?)
5. Pete Buttigieg: Plain Milk.
Very midwestern, could turn into any type of ice cream, is infinitely adaptable to any person’s political beliefs.
4. Kamala Harris: Police Ice Cream Truck.
Given her aggressive prosecution background, including defending the three strikes law, moving people away from the addiction treatment towards jail, and bringing the hammer down on “quality of life” crimes, Harris has a complicated past for a liberal prosecutor. But forget that! Look! Ice cream! Run by cops! They’re the good guys! C’mon – let’s forget about the past and just have some ice cream! ICE CREAM! GOOD GUYS!
3. Bernie Sanders: Ben and Jerry’s.
They recently released a new Bernie-themed ice cream, Bernie’s back. It is “hot Cinnamon Ice Cream with one very large chocolate disc on top and a (very stiff) butter toffee backbone going down the middle.” Leaving behind the “very stiff” aspect (too easy), every part of this ice cream is “symbolic,” which makes sense for Sanders. He’s all about symbolism, exclusively produced in small batches, not available in stores or for the wider public, and only accessible to people in Vermont.
2. Elizabeth Warren: Ben and Jerry’s Again!
Given the obvious similarities between Sanders and Warren, it makes sense they would be similar types of ice cream. Warren is the new “Pecan Resist” flavor, a flavor set up in opposition to Trump. Given how much of Warren’s campaign is due to her opposition to Trump, this is a good flavor for her. While both Warren and Sanders are Ben and Jerry’s flavors, Sander’s is a cinnamon flavor, while Warren is a chocolate mix. It makes sense – similar packaging and messaging, but Warren’s way doesn’t cause you pain when you try to eat it.
1. Joe Biden: Klondike Bar.
Old fashioned, somewhat charming in your memory, much less pleasant when you try and eat it again as an adult. Has sticky crust (and policies) which you forgot about before eating the bar but are really damn hard to get off your fingers after you’re done. What would you do-o-o for the Nomination?