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Unpaid Alien Intern Who Runs Our Simulation Starting to Get Worried


Photos by Lyndsi Burcham, from pxhere/CC0 and from pxhere/CC0, edits by Arman Murphy

Credit: Arman Murphy


Ytnupleqan Sk’jorpanog has been interning at Klanapzagon Corp for the last few billion years and has been assigned to run the simulation inside of which our universe exists. He’s had a blast, he says, but recent developments have started to worry him. Mr. Sk'jorpanog abducted UTB staffer Seth Fein outside of Allegro Pizza at 3 A.M. last night and whisked him away to his home planet in a spaceship to relay an important message to humanity and to surprise Mr. Fein with a thorough anal probe.

“I stepped outside to get Chinese takeout from a place a few planets down, and when I got back I realized I’d really fucked up. I remember thinking ‘Oh, fuck. My boss is going to kill me.’” 

“I designed you guys to be intelligent, creative and compassionate. You’ve had a pretty good run so far — discovering fire, inventing the wheel, embracing democracy and all that. Very cool stuff. But what the fuck is going on? You’re destroying your planet, World War 3 is about to break out, and racism is somehow still a thing? I thought I patched that out a while ago,” he sighed. "I don't get paid enough for this, man. I don't get paid at all."

After the interview, Mr. Fein was dropped off back on campus. Mr. Sk'jorpanog left him with a few words of encouragement as well as a thoroughly probed anus.

“It’s not the end of the world, obviously. You humans are pretty resilient; you could still turn this around. I mean, a lot of us thought you guys were fucked when that Hitler guy showed up, and you proved us wrong. I’m not gonna lie, I had 50 bucks on it myself.”

“Of course, if my boss finds out about this, he’s gonna shut the simulation down and then it will literally be the end of the world.”