"I designed you guys to be intelligent, creative and compassionate. You’ve had a pretty good run so far — discovering fire, inventing the wheel, embracing democracy and all that. Very cool stuff. But what the fuck is going on? You’re destroying your planet, World War 3 is about to break out, and racism is somehow still a thing? I thought I patched that out a while ago."
For example, my parents could only send their kid to Penn because they had a kid to begin with. Naturally, you need to get laid, as my parents presumably did, in order to become a parent. Then and only then will you have a kid that you can send to Penn.
I don't have a girlfriend (yet), but I've started making plans for when I inevitably get one. I did some scouting and put together this list of six extremely romantic places on campus where I would kiss her. Man, I love her so much already.
UTB, I'll miss you. Seth Fein, I love you.
Imagine if we could pop in to ARCH and grab a delicious cheeseburger on our way to class. Maybe an Animal-Style 4-by-4 if we're feeling hungry, or a protein-style grilled cheese for the calorie-conscious.
"Under President Gutmann's leadership, Penn has really fallen on hard times. We've become the laughing stock of the world," stated Rapinoe.
Everyone is confused when they go to the Cinemark and remember that there is, for whatever reason, a bar inside of it.
"This marks a new chapter in relations between our two great institutions."
People have been clamoring for pictures of my feet for decades. Ever since 1998, my feet have been my best quality, hands down.
The two candidates found a CITsender email in their inboxes, informing them that their grades for Spanish 110 had been posted. Both opened the emails to find that they had received an F in the class.
I can tell you that it comes from the Middle English word Wednesdei, which comes from the Old English word Wōdnesdæg, but I just don't know man, I can't spell Wensday for the life of me.
We could study, but only a little. We’d almost certainly be consumed by our passions.
I should’ve gone to Cornell, learned about hotels, and gotten a sweet job at the Four Seasons or some shit.
Look: I’m a bad bitch. An extremely bad bitch. When I walk down the street I turn heads. People I walk past whisper to each other, “That is the baddest bitch I have ever seen,” just before they collapse onto the street, overwhelmed by my power.
I was shocked. Back in my day, you had to be tapped by God himself. There were no women, and there was definitely no alcohol. I always thought those rules were dated, even back in the 13th century, to be perfectly honest.
Up flies Kyle’s hand. Uh-oh. He’s exactly who his name suggests he is.
I know you were really stressed out about that calculus class when we last spoke a few months ago. I hope it’s going better! You are so smart.
Ever since me and my 500 roommates moved in, everyone has been so welcoming.
Sources close to the Penn student body report that every single Penn student is now convinced that they only got rejected from Stanford because their spot was taken by someone whose parents bribed the school. Under the Button caught up with Engineering junior Jasper Ortega (E’ 20) for his take.
Math professor Nakia Rimmer’s lecture recordings were a smash success at the 91st Academy Awards last night in Los Angeles. The recordings were nominated for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, and Best Actor. They won them all.