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Arman Murphy


Articles

Unpaid Alien Intern Who Runs Our Simulation Starting to Get Worried

"I designed you guys to be intelligent, creative and compassionate. You’ve had a pretty good run so far — discovering fire, inventing the wheel, embracing democracy and all that. Very cool stuff. But what the fuck is going on? You’re destroying your planet, World War 3 is about to break out, and racism is somehow still a thing? I thought I patched that out a while ago."


OP-ED: I Am Never Going to Send My Kids to Penn Because I Am Never Going to Get Laid

For example, my parents could only send their kid to Penn because they had a kid to begin with. Naturally, you need to get laid, as my parents presumably did, in order to become a parent. Then and only then will you have a kid that you can send to Penn.


Photo Essay: These Are All the Places on Campus I Would Kiss My Girlfriend If I Had One

I don't have a girlfriend (yet), but I've started making plans for when I inevitably get one. I did some scouting and put together this list of six extremely romantic places on campus where I would kiss her. Man, I love her so much already.


OP-ED: I Am Quitting Under the Button Because I Am in Love with My Coworker

UTB, I'll miss you. Seth Fein, I love you.


In-N-Out Is Not Replacing Frontera but How Cool Would It Be If It Was?

Imagine if we could pop in to ARCH and grab a delicious cheeseburger on our way to class. Maybe an Animal-Style 4-by-4 if we're feeling hungry, or a protein-style grilled cheese for the calorie-conscious. 


U.S. Women's Soccer Team Turns Down Amy Gutmann's Invitation to College Hall

 "Under President Gutmann's leadership, Penn has really fallen on hard times. We've become the laughing stock of the world," stated Rapinoe. 


Penn Researchers Unable to Determine Why the Rhythm Room Exists

Everyone is confused when they go to the Cinemark and remember that there is, for whatever reason, a bar inside of it. 


President Amy Gutmann Crosses 33rd St DMZ, Becomes First Penn President to Visit Drexel

"This marks a new chapter in relations between our two great institutions." 


Fuck It: Who Wants to Buy Pics of My Feet?

People have been clamoring for pictures of my feet for decades. Ever since 1998, my feet have been my best quality, hands down. 


No Bueno: Beto O’Rourke and Cory Booker Fail Spanish 110

The two candidates found a CITsender email in their inboxes, informing them that their grades for Spanish 110 had been posted. Both opened the emails to find that they had received an F in the class. 


Pathetic: This Linguistics Major Can't Spell Wendesday

I can tell you that it comes from the Middle English word Wednesdei, which comes from the Old English word Wōdnesdæg, but I just don't know man, I can't spell Wensday for the life of me.


OP-ED: What If We Kissed in the Moelis Family Grand Reading Room?

We could study, but only a little. We’d almost certainly be consumed by our passions.


OP-ED: If I Had Known About Writing Sem I Would've Gone to Cornell

I should’ve gone to Cornell, learned about hotels, and gotten a sweet job at the Four Seasons or some shit.


I May Have Failed Stat 111 Freshman Spring, But I’m Still a Bad Bitch

Look: I’m a bad bitch. An extremely bad bitch. When I walk down the street I turn heads. People I walk past whisper to each other, “That is the baddest bitch I have ever seen,” just before they collapse onto the street, overwhelmed by my power.


Mother Mary! St. Francis of Assisi Looks Confused at Friars Smoker

I was shocked. Back in my day, you had to be tapped by God himself. There were no women, and there was definitely no alcohol. I always thought those rules were dated, even back in the 13th century, to be perfectly honest.


Uh-Oh: Kyle Just Started a Sentence with "I'm Not Racist, But..."

Up flies Kyle’s hand. Uh-oh. He’s exactly who his name suggests he is.


POP-ED: Hey Champ, How’s College? Your Mom and I Are so Proud of You. Call Us Sometime

I know you were really stressed out about that calculus class when we last spoke a few months ago. I hope it’s going better! You are so smart.


OP-ED: I Don't Know What Everyone Is Complaining About, I Love Living in the Quad

Ever since me and my 500 roommates moved in, everyone has been so welcoming.


“So That’s Why I Didn’t Get Into Stanford” Says Every Single Penn Student

Sources close to the Penn student body report that every single Penn student is now convinced that they only got rejected from Stanford because their spot was taken by someone whose parents bribed the school. Under the Button caught up with Engineering junior Jasper Ortega (E’ 20) for his take.


Math Professor Nakia Rimmer’s Lecture Recordings Sweep Oscars

Math professor Nakia Rimmer’s lecture recordings were a smash success at the 91st Academy Awards last night in Los Angeles. The recordings were nominated for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, and Best Actor. They won them all.


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