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Bernie Sanders' Heart Attack Leaves Only 2 Horcruxes Left


Photo by Michael Vadon / CC BY-SA 2.0

After a recent heart attack, Bernie Sanders defended his health at the fourth Democratic Debate, stating, “I am healthy and strong.” His campaign went on to explain that Senator Sanders still has two Horcruxes remaining and will be “more than capable to serve his term as President.” 

“It was quite the scare to lose two Horcruxes so quickly with both the heart attack and closing of Bernie's local Manhattan Bagel. However, we’re confident that the last two Horcruxes will be far away from anywhere the Clintons or Trumps can find it,” a campaign spokesperson said. 

“No one outside the campaign knows where they are,” one source said. “But let’s just say Donald Trump Jr. has a little bit more socialist in him than he knows."