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James Blume


Articles

BREAKING: Mike Pence Kind of Hot

Bessie came into the Vice Presidential Debate ready to support her main girl Kamala, but came out sexually confused. 


You Don’t Have COVID... You Just Have Polio

Polio victims have had a long history of pushing progressive policies. A polio victim pushed through the New Deal.  Who does Coronavirus have? Donald Trump? Chris Christie? Lindsay Graham?  


Why Runescape Is Better Than Sex

Don’t think of yourself as an incel watching Zoom lectures, think of yourself as a monk dedicating your life to the one true cause—  Runescape. 


How to Cook Your Chonky Seal

When you cook your Chonky Seal, you’re going to want to put virgin olive oil in the pan and let it warm. Throw a few crushed cloves of garlic and let it cook until translucent.  


Penn Mandates Drexel Shirts When Partying

 “So please, for the safety of the school, wear a Drexel T-shirt when you go out, and don’t forget…..Go Dragons!"


Vape God Tommy Loves Breakout Rooms

“The transition to online classes has been really great.” Tommy said, “I never need to come up with an excuse not to pass the pen. All to myself, baby.” 


OP-ED: Here Is How Beto Can Still Win

Beto beats Biden by over 12 points with voters who drink craft beer!


Surviving Online Hazing: A Comprehensive Guide

If they tell you to get naked on camera, tell them you live in a multigenerational home and that your grandma is in the room.


Only Gym Bro With Access to Weights Now Chad Among Chads

As the only brother with access to weights, Jacob was now a god among now-emaciated men. 


Goodbye Hot Girl Summer, Hello Pasty Girl Spring

2019 is over. It is time to say goodbye to Hot Girl Summer and hello to Pasty Girl Spring.


OP-ED: The Airpods Stay In During Sex

These are AirPods pro. They have noise-canceling capabilities, so I can pleasure you without distraction and listen to my Gary V. podcast at the same time. 


Penn to Introduce Troll Under 38th Street Bridge

Professor Devito will live directly under the bridge but may come out at night and surprise students. 


Kelly Writers House to Allow Outdoor Smoking to Reduce Indoor Smoking

The decision comes in an attempt to curb the rampant complaints of second-hand smoke within the house.


Paramount Pictures to Remake Sonic Again — This Time Sexier

Paramount has responded to the films flopping by announcing another redesign. This time, Sonic is going to be “sexier.”


OP-ED: Parasite Was Good, but Wouldn’t It Be Better If It Were in English?

While watching Parasite, I couldn’t help but wonder how much better the film could have been if all the actors were white, speaking English, and if it took place in rural Texas. 


3 Tips From Club Penguin That Will Improve Your Sex Life

The sensual, voiceless, man-sized penguin can actually teach us a lot about life, love, and most importantly, the bedroom.


OP-ED: Gritty Didn’t Punch That Kid, but He Should Have

Maybe it's the Philadelphia talking, but I, for one, say that Gritty should have punched that kid. 


Dan to Share Twin Xl With Tourist After Roommate Airbnb's His Side of the Room

Penn has given no formal comment on renting out college dorm rooms, however, Wharton Entrepreneurs is offering seed funds for anyone wishing to take advantage of this inefficiency in the free market.  


Sorry Professor! Nancy Pelosi Tore up My Homework

I know this is my fifth late essay of the semester, but I wanted to explain myself.


Man to Vote for Bloomberg If He Sees Just One More Ad

Although a registered Democrat, Scrabis did not vote in the 2016 election. “I'm still on the fence," Scrabis said. "I've seen 47 Bloomberg ads, but I think I really need one more to convince me.” 


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