BREAKING: Congress Confirms United States a Mistake

“An absolute mess,” started Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi this past Thursday. “A mess! It’s about time we went out and said what everyone already knows. We did some final calculations ourselves, but now that there is no margin of error to the data, we can formally announce that the United States was, and is, a mistake.” She was met with a room of applause as couples kissed and families embraced, but she left with a stumble without answering any media questions. Witnesses claim she may have been sobbing.

On Friday, the details for dismantling the United States were summarized, but the full report won’t be released until the following month. The plan is set to include a step-by-step guide for erasing the name of the country off papers, buildings, paintings, and the like, along with a manual for learning to live without an American identity. Social media has shown approval, but some, such as Amy Wax of the University of Princeton claim, “This is way past overdue. Us academics have known the United States was a mistake ever since the president said that he didn’t stan MCU and is, instead, a Sony supporter. If you were like me, you’d know that this is exactly what was at the root of the Cold War.”

Others have cited the failure of the Area 51 raid as the real cause for the congressional decision, but until the full report is released, it’s impossible to be sure. One local international student, sipping from a cool bottle of soda reportedly said, “I mean, not to brag, but when my country wants to kill people and steal things, it actually gets it done. It’s either the United States gets better about committing its war crimes or it needs to step off the global stage, you feel?”