All the beta males are going to be bending over backwards in hopes of a quick "slip 'n slide" if you know what I mean ;). It takes a true Chad to realize that Valentine's day is in fact gay and therefore bad.

 Lfklfjksj uughwhjhsd brughsgdjhds hhdjdj ughhhhhshj. Agfshddhdfjkfd.

5. Playing Monopoly with your family. For those of you who have a family, it might help your mood to dip your toes in our upcoming anarcho-capitalist dystopia by playing some friendly matches of the board game. 

This information itself comes from President Donald Trump’s most recent Twitch livestream.

“Jokes? What jokes? I don’t write jokes.”

The truth is that I’ve been struggling with personal heartbreak for a while. It just hurts so bad. I want her. I want Bobby’s Burger Palace back to tear apart my asshole.

So, how about some sexting, eh? To pass the time? To make the most of a dire situation?

This time we’ll be sending a message. I’m not sure about what, but I have a few hours to come up with one. Maybe we’ll convince Amy Gutmann to pay the workers a minimum wage or something, I dunno.

“Finally!” Rafael Picazso, Wharton ‘23, told UTB reporters. “It’s about time we started getting some actual therapy around here.

It’s gritty, it’s scary, it’s a health hazard, but you see, that’s the point. It weeds out the weak in the community.

I will be walking to Center City this weekend, and none of you better try to fucking stop me.

In a world fueled by identity politics, it’s only right that we embrace Peet Buuttigieg’s identity as a dirty little rat boy.

When asked by a reporter if, instead, the university could simply just stop hazing its students, the president replied, “No.”

Another leap forward for diversity! In an attempt to respond to students’ demand for equality, Perry World House announced its new initiative to invite war criminals of all colors to come speak and defend their infringement on human rights.

You have a class at nine a.m., don’t you? Fuck you. Go to sleep. Unlike you, I still care, and I can't stand the sight of you like this.

According to reports, the decision that “Penn Engineering students must learn basic literacy” comes after learning that over 90% of the student body couldn’t read the self-help books every incoming freshmen received.

While my haters may say making jokes about World War III is disrespectful, I’m here to say that this is no joke. As someone who has dodged the draft over 12 times and disrespects the troops at every possible waking moment, this is made in pure earnest in order to help my fellow countrymen disavow their own personal and local military industrial complex.

Of course I resorted to this. I have everyone at The Daily Pennsylvanian as we speak, and I don't plan to let them go anytime soon. 

"Maybe I’ll just pay my way into Wharton like everyone else."

He pointed out a girl called Elizabeth Meaner and promptly called her “Eliagsdyhjfdhjf Mafgsdhjgdfkfd.”