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Pamela de La Cruz


Articles

5 Ways to Cope with Whatever the Fuck This Is

5. Playing Monopoly with your family. For those of you who have a family, it might help your mood to dip your toes in our upcoming anarcho-capitalist dystopia by playing some friendly matches of the board game. 


BREAKING: United States to Consider Saving Lives

This information itself comes from President Donald Trump’s most recent Twitch livestream.


BREAKING: Mask&Wig to Consider Being Funny

“Jokes? What jokes? I don’t write jokes.”


Shit Hurts So Bad Just Want Her [Bobby’s Burger Palace] Back

The truth is that I’ve been struggling with personal heartbreak for a while. It just hurts so bad. I want her. I want Bobby’s Burger Palace back to tear apart my asshole.


Anyone Feel Like Sexting?

So, how about some sexting, eh? To pass the time? To make the most of a dire situation?


OP-ED: Anyone Feel Like Ransacking Arch Tonight?

This time we’ll be sending a message. I’m not sure about what, but I have a few hours to come up with one. Maybe we’ll convince Amy Gutmann to pay the workers a minimum wage or something, I dunno.


Wellness Win! CAPS to Offer Free Cock and Ball Torture

“Finally!” Rafael Picazso, Wharton ‘23, told UTB reporters. “It’s about time we started getting some actual therapy around here.


OP-ED: Fresh Grocer Did Nothing Wrong

It’s gritty, it’s scary, it’s a health hazard, but you see, that’s the point. It weeds out the weak in the community.


OP-ED: If You See Me Walking Into Center City, Don't Stop Me, I'm Never Coming Back

I will be walking to Center City this weekend, and none of you better try to fucking stop me.


Breaking: Calling Pete Buttigieg a Rat Is Both Good and Cool

In a world fueled by identity politics, it’s only right that we embrace Peet Buuttigieg’s identity as a dirty little rat boy.


University of Pennsylvania to Suspend University of Pennsylvania Following Hazing Concerns

When asked by a reporter if, instead, the university could simply just stop hazing its students, the president replied, “No.”


To My Roommate Who Keeps Making Milkshakes at 3 A.M.

You have a class at nine a.m., don’t you? Fuck you. Go to sleep. Unlike you, I still care, and I can't stand the sight of you like this.


Perry World House to Invite Non-white War Criminals for Once

Another leap forward for diversity! In an attempt to respond to students’ demand for equality, Perry World House announced its new initiative to invite war criminals of all colors to come speak and defend their infringement on human rights.


BREAKING: Engineering Students Must Now Learn to “Read” and “Write”

According to reports, the decision that “Penn Engineering students must learn basic literacy” comes after learning that over 90% of the student body couldn’t read the self-help books every incoming freshmen received.


Don’t Want To Be A Soldier? No Worries! Here’s a Guide to Self-Injury

While my haters may say making jokes about World War III is disrespectful, I’m here to say that this is no joke. As someone who has dodged the draft over 12 times and disrespects the troops at every possible waking moment, this is made in pure earnest in order to help my fellow countrymen disavow their own personal and local military industrial complex.


OP-ED: Derek, I Know You're Reading This. Call Me Back.

Of course I resorted to this. I have everyone at The Daily Pennsylvanian as we speak, and I don't plan to let them go anytime soon. 


CAS Student Who Says They're 'Transferring to Wharton' Currently Failing Econ

"Maybe I’ll just pay my way into Wharton like everyone else."


Heartwarming: Professor Enforces Diversity by Mispronouncing Everyone's Names

He pointed out a girl called Elizabeth Meaner and promptly called her “Eliagsdyhjfdhjf Mafgsdhjgdfkfd.”


Still a Virgin? Elizabeth Warren Has a Plan for That

“Our community has been overrun with gamer virgins. I won’t allow it. #resist”. The proposed legislation could be found in an attached google doc. 


Here's How Joe Biden Can Still Win

Certain Alabama senators have already taken the lead, and a ban of anyone under 65 voting may be underway. Some other architects of society have proposed legislation for banning the existence of non-boomers.


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