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'They're Such Wonderful Boys!' Says Mom on Greekrank


Photo by Mike Miller / CC BY-SA 2.0

Hi!! I just wanted to jump into these rankings and give a big shout out to Josh — my baby boy!! I was so excited when he first got accepted to Penn, but being the Nervous Nelly that I am I just couldn’t help but worry about my sweetheart finding friends at school. I’m so glad Josh found a home at Theta Pi and wanted to make sure that these boys got the attention they deserve. 

I won’t lie, it was a struggle for the first semester. Whenever he’d call me he always sounded so blue; it made my heart hurt. He’s really such a nice young man, but I know that he can be a little shy sometimes. I knew it would take a little bit of time for my Josh man to find a group of his own. You see, Josh has always been a sensitive boy and something of a late bloomer. He could never relate to boys his age, and I could have sworn that my little man swung for the other team for most of his life — LOL!! 

When Josh called me about getting a bid for Theta Pi, he was so so excited. He was even drunk when he called me!! My son hadn’t picked up a Natty his entire life, but I was happy to hear that his balls finally dropped and he went for it! And I don’t know what those boys did that semester, but whoo boy, they sure got really close! Like really really close! Like homosexually close! (Which is ok! Josh, if you have something to tell your mother, call me anytime!) 

I wasn’t completely sold on this whole fraternity business until I helped Josh move into the Theta chapter house this past year. The brothers are really just such sweet, wonderful boys. “Mrs. Wheeler, can I help you carry that?” one brother asked me. Another: “Here, let me get the door for you, Mrs. Wheeler!” And more still: “Yo dude, your mom’s such a MILF.” (Ok, maybe I made up that last one. Don’t be traumatized, Josh sweetheart — LOL!)

So for being such kind young men, I would like to award the Epsilon Chapter of Alpha Theta Pi five stars out of five!! (And also because I hear that Josh Wheeler is a pretty cool dude ;)). Take care boys, and don’t forget to always use protection!!


Mrs. Wheeler (AKA Josh’s mom