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OP-ED: I Am Never Going to Send My Kids to Penn Because I Am Never Going to Get Laid


Photo by Bradley Smith

There's been a lot of discussion about legacy students recently, and I figured it would be worth sharing my two cents.

I am never, ever going to send my kids to Penn, but only because I'm never going to get laid in the first place.

You have to get laid to have kids, obviously. I'm never going to get laid. In order to even consider sending my kids to Penn, I would need to have sex, which is never going to happen.

For example, my parents could only send their kid to Penn because they had a kid to begin with. Naturally, you need to get laid, as my parents presumably did, in order to become a parent. Then and only then will you have a kid that you can send to Penn.

Because I am never going to become a parent, I will never be able to send my kids to Penn. To reiterate, this is because I am never, ever, ever going to get laid. Not in a million years.

In summary, my inability to get laid precludes me from ever being in a situation where I could conceivably send my kids to Penn, and, as a result, that scenario is totally moot. I can't send my kids to Penn if they're never going to exist in the first place.

Of course, if I ever did get laid, I'd send my kids to Penn.