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Personality Quiz! Will You Be the Heir to Amy Gutmann’s Throne?


Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian

“Hello, children. Tis I, Your Most Honourable President Amathy ‘Amy’ Gutmann. I am here to announce that, believe it or not, one day I will die. Not a physical death, like that of the common folk, but a spiritual death wherein I will retreat to the woods for one human lifetime before reemerging as a child to continue my everlasting life. At that time, I will require an heir to my honorable throne. The question remains: will that heir be you?” On behalf of the University of Pennsylvania, UTB would like to cordially extend the application to inherit the position of Dr. Amy Gutmann.

Are you an eccentric older woman? Are you an eccentric younger woman, looking to be an eccentric older woman? Are you an eccentric younger man, looking to be an eccentric older woman? Do you wear red velvet pantsuits on any regular day? Do they oddly suit you? Do your hairstyles defy the wind and rain? Do you appear frail, but possess the authority to command heavy objects to lift themselves?

Do you have a smile that says, "thank you for all donations past and present"? Does it kindly yet firmly inform those who have yet to donate that their time has now come? When you lie your frail hand on the wall of a conference room, do swaths of hundred dollar bills flow from the souls of the donors contained therein? Most importantly, can you speak to students in such a way that they both disdain you and seek your approval? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are welcome to apply. Please contact the UTB office for further information.