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'I Can't Get Sick, Not Now' Says Already Sick Guy


Photo by engesser44 / CC0

When it comes to illness, Jamison Reynolds (C '22) is a man who takes precautions.

He never leaves home without a surgical mask and latex gloves. He washes his hands with Germ-X, and showers with a liberal amount of Purell. In the morning, he doesn’t feel alive until he gets his line of Emergen-C in. He truly is a bastion of health.

Well, he would be, if it weren't for just one small problem. He had already caught walking pneumonia five days ago.

“I can’t get sick, not now!” Reynolds lamented, chugging Robitussin by the bottle in a desperate attempt to rejuvenate his poor, shriveled trachea.

Talk about a nightmare for Reynolds. On top of midterms, homework, and extracurriculars, now he has to deal with interrupting lecture every two minutes with violent, sputum-flinging conniptions. This will teach him to eat at Hill Dining Hall.

"I'm fine guys... I'm fine!" Reynolds reassured his visibly disturbed groupmates. "Let's just get this—*COUGH* *WHEEZE* *HACK* *COUGH* *COUGH* *WHEEZE*—report done."

No doubt, Reynolds is counting down the hours until his next SHS visit, where he will receive five (5) cough drops, a disposable thermometer, and a half-hearted "good luck."