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OP-ED: Now That It’s Cold Out, I Can Wear Multiple Sweaters to Hide the Fact That I Am Several Ferrets and Canned Vegetables Stacked on Top of Each Other


Photos from Leosaumurejr / (CC BY-SA 2.0), Pxhere / CC0, and USFWS Mountain-Prairie /(CC BY 2.0), with edits by Sydney Gelman. 

In summer, the pointing gets to be unbearable. In fall and spring, the changing weather gives me absolutely no stability. But in winter, when the sun sets early and it becomes the norm to bundle up in bulky coats and sweaters, I shine. 

Some of you may know this about me. I am actually several ferrets and canned vegetables stacked on top of each other in an attempt at imitating the human form. 

The strangeness of my body type (mostly a mass of tangled, wriggling ferrets and canned corn) is most conducive to sweater weather. Then, my body appears normal, at least when I am artfully arranged on a large leather armchair. I’m not ashamed of my figure, but I do want to put myself in the best light possible.

That light is the dark, wintry night of a blizzard, in which snow gets in your eyes and your hood obscures most of your vision. On especially cold nights, you can hear my cans clinking as I slink back home, excited to unpack my sweater and free the ferrets that writhe around inside my knitwear.