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Here's How Joe Biden Can Still Win


Photo (with edits) by Grafitti_237d / CC BY 2.0

What is all this about free healthcare? Let’s be real. As our good friends at Dartmouth have already made clear to us, Big Pharma is good, actually. Us intellectual Democrats know this, and, often, it can feel like we’re left behind by the current rhetoric overtaking the 2020 Presidential run. Just recently, Bernie Sanders was quoted saying to CNN News: “You idiots. You morons. Did you think I was going to hide my power forever? I have read Das Kapital over a dozen times. I visit the grave of the great Vladimir Lenin on my birthday every year. The hammer and sickle emblem is emblazoned over my ass. Social democrat? Me? I will burn this entire capitalist-imperialist state to the goddamn ground. Stalin will look like a fucking anarchist compared to me. Medicare! For! All!”

As the mob pushing for universal healthcare grows more violent, Joe Biden has been the sole strong supporter of private insurance. In a recent debate, he wiggled his fingers at the other candidates and won our hearts. So, in order to ensure his win – even after he was caught on tape staring at a wall for eight hours on end, mumbling about “those crazy kids” – I propose a list of steps for supporters to push our candidate towards victory.

First, stop dying from lack of healthcare. Have you considered not being sick? Grow up. The second step in ensuring a win is perhaps the most important: eliminate the voting rights of the young. Certain Alabama senators have already taken the lead, and a ban of anyone under 65 voting may be underway. Some other architects of society have proposed legislation for banning the existence of non-boomers. We look forward to seeing what is made of it. A third possible way for our beloved Joe Biden to win is to…get rid…of the other candidates. Elizabeth Warren, in particular, is starting to become a bit of a hooligan, if you get my drift.

But if worst comes to worst at least there’s that Pete guy.