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Myth or Fact: White People Wear Shoes in Bed


Photo by James Blume / The Daily Pennsylvanian

My mother always told me that white people wear their shoes in bed. I never believed her until I came to college. I mean how could I? What sociopath would willingly bring their dirtiest piece of clothing into the sanctity of their white sheets? How could anyone bring the same shoes that have without a doubt stepped in half-chewed gum and dogshit into their bed? To my horror, I realized her stories were all too true.

Here at Under the Button, I joke around a lot, but this article is no joke. We have a crisis. This is not just a public health crisis, but a crisis of our very identity. Is anyone really surprised that the same people who wear shoes in bed also founded the KKK? Like a cancer, shoes in bed create all that is evil in the world. 

As a school, I hope we can come together to address this problem. For if we can not, I fear for our very future. 

Godspeed, fair readers. Godspeed.