Professor with No Laptop Policy Unaware He Is Boring and Unfuckable

After conducting extensive research on the matter, Professor Leinhardt has decided that laptops or any other form of technology will not be allowed in his class. Citing both increased levels of attentiveness and productivity, Leinhardt announced his policy at the beginning of the semester. However, Leinhardt has managed to overlook one important fact after adopting the policy: he is boring and unfuckable

What’s a student to do without the seductively mind-numbing task of scrolling through their Facebook feed during class? Some might try to get their money's worth out their education and actually pay attention. While that may be an attractive option for other classes, Leinhardt’s “Masterpieces of 17th Century English Poetry” is, according to Natalie Baker (C '22), “quite literally the most boring fucking thing I’ve ever had the displeasure of listening to.” 

Another tactic one might turn to in times of desperation is coming up with elaborate sexual fantasies about one's professor. However, here too lies an obstacle. Leinhardt, 80 and reportedly very crusty looking, just doesn’t invoke the level of passion necessary for one to indulge in these fantasies. 

Maybe in other classes, one would be able to daydream about things getting hot and heavy during office hours, but Leinhardt’s musty old-man odor makes it impossible to think about anything at all. Hopefully, it’s not too late to withdraw from the class.