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Scott Newman


Soy Boy Alert! Soy Milk Revealed to Be a Factor in Debilitating Homosexuality Epidemic

Although scientists are unclear about the exact causal relationship that exists between the two, the data does seem to suggest that there is a clear connection between the consumption of soy milk and the adoption of “homosexual tendencies.”

New Study Reveals Europeans Immune From Lung Cancer

There’s nothing quite like being hit with the smell of a freshly lit cigarette as you exit the library fresh from an all-nighter, probably being smoked by someone speaking a language you don’t understand.

Google Campus Recruiters Highlight Partnership With Raytheon Developing Autonomous, Child-Seeking Missiles

Packaged as part of a broader initiative aimed at deepening ties between the Pentagon and Google, campus recruiters are seeking to appeal to Penn students’ sense of patriotic duty, unaware they have none.

OP-ED: Wouldn’t It Have Really Sucked If Jeffrey Epstein Graduated From Penn?

But, in the broad scheme of things, Penn has had some seriously questionable alumni. Case in point, the 46th President of the United States of America: Donald Trump.

OP-ED: I Don’t Follow Politics but Andrew Yang Could Venmo Me $1000

The day I stumble upon $1000 in my Venmo balance is the day I decide to wholly commit myself to making Andrew Yang the President of these United States.

Meet the New Club Changing Things up at Penn: PennPercs

In a school often singularly focused on chasing prestigious internships and post-graduate job offers, a club providing an avenue for students to let loose with some harmless fun is definitely a breath of fresh air. 

Holiday Lights Outside of Frat Bring Festive Mood to The Sexual Misconduct Currently Happening

Sure, it might be unpleasant for the women of this university to feel unsafe in the spaces that undeniably dominate this campus’ social scene, but at least there are some pretty lights outside. Yea, it would be nice for Bennett to understand the concept of personal space and boundaries, but he was probably too busy setting up the lights to realize how his actions make women uncomfortable.

Report: Funny Friend Actually Just Kinda Mean

It’s all but certain Teddy will ascend to the status of one of the greatest comedians alive, among other giants like Louis C. — shit, never mind. There’s one issue, though — he’s also kind of a dick.

OP-ED: Shut the Fuck Up

Listen, buddy, whatever you’re blabbering on about right now, I don’t want to hear about it. You could literally be telling me that the final for my Art History class has been canceled and I couldn't care less! You know why? Cuz you, and that mouth of yours, have been getting on my nerves lately. 

New Student-Run Diner to Open in Houston This Spring and Close Next Spring

Citing probable low student demand for food other than overpriced salads and generic Asian food bowls, PSA anticipates that this business venture will ultimately fail in about a year’s time. 

Wacky! This Junior Wore an Alumni Scarf During Homecoming

He hasn’t even graduated yet and he’s wearing an *alumni* scarf. Even professional comedians can’t come up with this kind of stuff. 

Penn Bookstore Deal! Pack of American Spirits to Be Given with Each Purchase of Art History Textbook

No longer will these “super-broke-but-can-still-afford-dresses-from-Reformation” creative types have to dole out almost 13 dollars at Avril 50 to maintain that sweet nic fix. 

Freshman Purposely Avoids Washing Hand with 'X' Drawn on It

Mendez proceeded to spend the rest of the recitation lightly resting his chin on the hand, leaving the X in view of quite literally everyone in the class. 

Report: Jenny Is Really About to Try to Jump over That Wall

Jenny Buchmann is just trying to “fuck shit up” with her “girl gang." 

Professor with No Laptop Policy Unaware He Is Boring and Unfuckable

Hopefully, it’s not too late to withdraw from the class.

Penn Student Spat on by Coffee Shop Employees past 44th Street

Increasingly fed up with the entitled student body at the University of Pennsylvania, the coffee shop workers by day and political radicals by night native to the West Philly area have taken to retaliatory action

Why Are DP Sports Columnists Under the Impression I Care?

An entire section of this student-run newspaper was dedicated to sports!

60m Sprint World Record Broken by Student Running to Catch Williams Door

Lindsay reportedly blasted by bewildered onlookers, covering 60 meters in just around five seconds. Not only was she able to successfully grab the door before it closed, but also she also happened to break the outstanding world record for the 60-meter dash: 6.34 seconds.

Jaded Sophomore Distances Himself from 'Freshman Experience' Only Five Months After His Ended

Despite coming from a privileged background which allowed him to attend an Ivy League university, it seems that all Brown can offer in conversation is a mind-numbingly long list of complaints about his freshman year at Penn.

New Mark’s Cafe Revealed to Be Social Experiment

After several confusing months and just a few stolen Starbucks cold brews, Penn has issued a statement saying the new, entirely self-checkout Marks Cafe has been a mass psychological trial on its student body. The purpose of which, Penn claimed, was to investigate its effect “on our already self-important, entitled student body.”