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Scott Newman


University Announces Student Vaccine Distribution Plan for Penn Community

The Daily Pennsylvanian reporters met with school administrators earlier this morning to collect information about the logistical outline of the coming weeks.  

Innovative! Meet the Management and CIS Students Launching the "Uber" for Indentured Servitude

He later gave an artful account of how the Serv algorithm maximizes productivity while crushing workers’ spirit. 

Ban on Mansplaining Temporarily Lifted for Super Bowl Weekend

Despite the year’s setbacks, the Football club (?) has moved forward with the time-honored, yearly tradition of Super Bowl Sunday.

Penn LGBT Center Grapples With Gay Alumnus Donald Trump’s Complicated Legacy

An unparalleled aesthete, catty bitch, and gossip, Trump brought his gay flavor to the decidedly heterosexual logic of American politics. 

Breaking: Second Lockdown! Not Like You Losers Had Friends Anyway

Few words can comfort, but take solace in the fact that you were kind of a loser anyway.  

In Bid for Greater Gender Inclusivity, Amy Gutmann Announces New Set of STEM Courses “for Girls"

Next spring, for example, the women of Penn’s undergraduate body may have the opportunity to take “Psychology for Girls,” providing a comprehensive overview of topics ranging from “how to get boys to like me” to “hysteria.” 

Chinese Government Announces New 5G-Enabled COVID-20

These new features will include a higher mortality rate, a higher chance of transmission, and connectivity to state-of-the-art 5G telecom networks.

Three Simple Tricks to Make Your Vote Count Twice

How can you ensure a victory for this country’s soul? Get your vote to count twice! Here are some quick and easy tricks to do just that.

If God Is Dead Then Who’s Been Touching Me Every Night for the Past Two Weeks

To those who insist religion is obsolete, I have one simple response: if our world is not subject to divine enchantment, then who’s been caressing my body every night around midnight? 

Under the Button’s Guide to Voting (For Girls and Gays)

3. Distribute poppers to the poll workers to demonstrate your appreciation for the LGBTQ+ guardians of civil liberty. 

Under the Button Endorses Kim Kardashian West as Ruth Bader Ginsburg's Replacement

Over the past few years, Mrs. Kardashian West has shown a keen interest in matters relating to jurisprudence and legal philosophy.

Study Shows Boyfriend Really Good at Using Computers

The sleek metal, cold to the touch and coursing with Apollonian energy, feels alien to the gays and girls’ empathetic faculties. Some are also just simply “too hot” to reduce themselves to using technology on a consistent basis. 

Five Quarantine Activities That Are All Just Reading the Bible


Breaking: C.D.C. Recommends Limiting Polygamous Group Sex Sessions to Five People

Polygamy, the hottest new trend among the twenty-somethings that populate Bushwick’s dive bars, has been an unexpected victim of the coronavirus. 

Stealing! How to Simultaneously Manage Your Luxury Water Habit and Subversive Political Beliefs

Breathe easy and rest even easier at night because no one is going to doubt your radical politics anymore. 

Chunky Filas and Four Other Shoes That Say “My Parents Did Not Show Me Enough Affection”

Worried about the psychic implications of your style? Well, you should be! Here are four other shoes to avoid if you want to keep your inner fragility discreet. 

Mayor Pete’s Grindr Nudes Leaked

While there still remains some confusion surrounding Buttigieg’s motives, analysts have suggested that his behavior might stem from a crisis of confidence caused by his rat-like demeanor. 

Soy Boy Alert! Soy Milk Revealed to Be a Factor in Debilitating Homosexuality Epidemic

Although scientists are unclear about the exact causal relationship that exists between the two, the data does seem to suggest that there is a clear connection between the consumption of soy milk and the adoption of “homosexual tendencies.”

New Study Reveals Europeans Immune From Lung Cancer

There’s nothing quite like being hit with the smell of a freshly lit cigarette as you exit the library fresh from an all-nighter, probably being smoked by someone speaking a language you don’t understand.

Google Campus Recruiters Highlight Partnership With Raytheon Developing Autonomous, Child-Seeking Missiles

Packaged as part of a broader initiative aimed at deepening ties between the Pentagon and Google, campus recruiters are seeking to appeal to Penn students’ sense of patriotic duty, unaware they have none.