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Scott Newman


Articles

OP-ED: Hey, You’re Pretty Hot - Do You Want to Share This Table in United by Blue Together?

I hope there’s a table free - need to have some sense of solitude while I simultaneously work and sip on my thirteen (13) dollar coffee-adjacent drink. 


Student Secures Boyfriend to Connect Laptop to AirPennNet

It has since been revealed that Newark, set to graduate with a Bachelor's degree in Neuroscience next spring, has been using AirPennNet–Guest on her various tablets since NSO freshman year. 


OP-ED: We Need a Moratorium on the Word “Neoliberal” Until I Figure Out What it Means

 Maybe through defining that which isn’t neoliberal I can escape this mental prison.


Castle Brother Found Innocent by Jury of Other Castle Brothers

A carefully selected jury of the assailant's peers (bros) gathered around a courtroom (castle basement) to perform an objective and unbiased analysis of the night's events.


Gutmann’s Appointment to German Ambassadorship Wreaks Havoc on Relations between NATO Member States

One of the brains behind the self-checkout cafe in the basement of Van Pelt library will soon advise on some of the most pressing geopolitical matters. 


Anticipation Turns to Anger as Students Realize In-Person Learning Actually “Worse”

One student expressed anger at the new reality of having to “actually learn shit,” an experience she felt was best relegated to the past. 


University Announces Student Vaccine Distribution Plan for Penn Community

The Daily Pennsylvanian reporters met with school administrators earlier this morning to collect information about the logistical outline of the coming weeks.  


Innovative! Meet the Management and CIS Students Launching the "Uber" for Indentured Servitude

He later gave an artful account of how the Serv algorithm maximizes productivity while crushing workers’ spirit. 


Ban on Mansplaining Temporarily Lifted for Super Bowl Weekend

Despite the year’s setbacks, the Football club (?) has moved forward with the time-honored, yearly tradition of Super Bowl Sunday.


Penn LGBT Center Grapples With Gay Alumnus Donald Trump’s Complicated Legacy

An unparalleled aesthete, catty bitch, and gossip, Trump brought his gay flavor to the decidedly heterosexual logic of American politics. 


Breaking: Second Lockdown! Not Like You Losers Had Friends Anyway

Few words can comfort, but take solace in the fact that you were kind of a loser anyway.  


In Bid for Greater Gender Inclusivity, Amy Gutmann Announces New Set of STEM Courses “for Girls"

Next spring, for example, the women of Penn’s undergraduate body may have the opportunity to take “Psychology for Girls,” providing a comprehensive overview of topics ranging from “how to get boys to like me” to “hysteria.” 


Chinese Government Announces New 5G-Enabled COVID-20

These new features will include a higher mortality rate, a higher chance of transmission, and connectivity to state-of-the-art 5G telecom networks.


Three Simple Tricks to Make Your Vote Count Twice

How can you ensure a victory for this country’s soul? Get your vote to count twice! Here are some quick and easy tricks to do just that.


If God Is Dead Then Who’s Been Touching Me Every Night for the Past Two Weeks

To those who insist religion is obsolete, I have one simple response: if our world is not subject to divine enchantment, then who’s been caressing my body every night around midnight? 


Under the Button’s Guide to Voting (For Girls and Gays)

3. Distribute poppers to the poll workers to demonstrate your appreciation for the LGBTQ+ guardians of civil liberty. 


Under the Button Endorses Kim Kardashian West as Ruth Bader Ginsburg's Replacement

Over the past few years, Mrs. Kardashian West has shown a keen interest in matters relating to jurisprudence and legal philosophy.


Study Shows Boyfriend Really Good at Using Computers

The sleek metal, cold to the touch and coursing with Apollonian energy, feels alien to the gays and girls’ empathetic faculties. Some are also just simply “too hot” to reduce themselves to using technology on a consistent basis. 


Five Quarantine Activities That Are All Just Reading the Bible

TAKE THIS TIME TO COME CLOSER HIM, TO FIND HIS SALVATION. 


Breaking: C.D.C. Recommends Limiting Polygamous Group Sex Sessions to Five People

Polygamy, the hottest new trend among the twenty-somethings that populate Bushwick’s dive bars, has been an unexpected victim of the coronavirus. 


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