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Scott Newman


Articles

New Student-Run Diner to Open in Houston This Spring and Close Next Spring

Citing probable low student demand for food other than overpriced salads and generic Asian food bowls, PSA anticipates that this business venture will ultimately fail in about a year’s time. 


Wacky! This Junior Wore an Alumni Scarf During Homecoming

He hasn’t even graduated yet and he’s wearing an *alumni* scarf. Even professional comedians can’t come up with this kind of stuff. 


Penn Bookstore Deal! Pack of American Spirits to Be Given with Each Purchase of Art History Textbook

No longer will these “super-broke-but-can-still-afford-dresses-from-Reformation” creative types have to dole out almost 13 dollars at Avril 50 to maintain that sweet nic fix. 


Freshman Purposely Avoids Washing Hand with 'X' Drawn on It

Mendez proceeded to spend the rest of the recitation lightly resting his chin on the hand, leaving the X in view of quite literally everyone in the class. 


Report: Jenny Is Really About to Try to Jump over That Wall

Jenny Buchmann is just trying to “fuck shit up” with her “girl gang." 


Professor with No Laptop Policy Unaware He Is Boring and Unfuckable

Hopefully, it’s not too late to withdraw from the class.


Penn Student Spat on by Coffee Shop Employees past 44th Street

Increasingly fed up with the entitled student body at the University of Pennsylvania, the coffee shop workers by day and political radicals by night native to the West Philly area have taken to retaliatory action


Why Are DP Sports Columnists Under the Impression I Care?

An entire section of this student-run newspaper was dedicated to sports!


60m Sprint World Record Broken by Student Running to Catch Williams Door

Lindsay reportedly blasted by bewildered onlookers, covering 60 meters in just around five seconds. Not only was she able to successfully grab the door before it closed, but also she also happened to break the outstanding world record for the 60-meter dash: 6.34 seconds.


Jaded Sophomore Distances Himself from 'Freshman Experience' Only Five Months After His Ended

Despite coming from a privileged background which allowed him to attend an Ivy League university, it seems that all Brown can offer in conversation is a mind-numbingly long list of complaints about his freshman year at Penn.


New Mark’s Cafe Revealed to Be Social Experiment

After several confusing months and just a few stolen Starbucks cold brews, Penn has issued a statement saying the new, entirely self-checkout Marks Cafe has been a mass psychological trial on its student body. The purpose of which, Penn claimed, was to investigate its effect “on our already self-important, entitled student body.”


OP-ED: Clicking Interested on Facebook Events is Doing Enough to Combat Injustice

I’m sure the climate strike is important or whatever, but the UN says the world is ending in twelve years and I need to make sure I’m rich enough to afford a bunker.


Amy and Her Friends 'Just Went to New York' over Fall Break

After taking a particularly fire photo in front of a garish M&M billboard, Amy decided that she had found a new profile pic for Facebook. 


Fiji Employing Ukrainian Troll Factory to Post on Greekrank

First hitting headlines after its involvement in the 2016 Presidential election, the paid Internet troll industry was in desperate need of customers in light of the scandal now centered around it. They reached out to a number of potential revenue sources including Latin American despots, the search engine Bing, and Yahoo News. 


'I Already Finished the Essay' and 5 Other Ways to Be Fucking Annoying

Grumpier and somehow more entitled than before, students everywhere have had it up to here with this campus’ cutthroat culture (unless they’re the ones winning). Here are five things that might just make you act on those intrusive thoughts you get listening to someone talk about their completed assignment.


Autumnal Baddie Patiently Awaiting the Day in Which She Can Assume Her Final Form

Although the days might be growing shorter, the sunlight dimmer, and the leaves browner, something is a bit off about this fall season. It might be the fact that it’s October and still 85 degrees outside. You can’t even walk to class without people wondering whether you’ve gotten a new Glossier delivery or you just really sweat that much.


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