Amidst the week’s geopolitical turmoil, a recent Penn Dems communiqué urged members to center policy discussions around what voters really want: triple masking kindergarteners in perpetuity.

An eerie silence has settled over campus as students have returned to their homes to fastidiously monitor the Instagram activities of Kappa Alpha Theta sisters.

A monument to the people shall arise where elite culture once dominated. 

I hope there’s a table free - need to have some sense of solitude while I simultaneously work and sip on my thirteen (13) dollar coffee-adjacent drink. 

It has since been revealed that Newark, set to graduate with a Bachelor's degree in Neuroscience next spring, has been using AirPennNet–Guest on her various tablets since NSO freshman year. 

 Maybe through defining that which isn’t neoliberal I can escape this mental prison.

A carefully selected jury of the assailant's peers (bros) gathered around a courtroom (castle basement) to perform an objective and unbiased analysis of the night's events.

One of the brains behind the self-checkout cafe in the basement of Van Pelt library will soon advise on some of the most pressing geopolitical matters. 

One student expressed anger at the new reality of having to “actually learn shit,” an experience she felt was best relegated to the past. 

The Daily Pennsylvanian reporters met with school administrators earlier this morning to collect information about the logistical outline of the coming weeks.  

He later gave an artful account of how the Serv algorithm maximizes productivity while crushing workers’ spirit. 

Despite the year’s setbacks, the Football club (?) has moved forward with the time-honored, yearly tradition of Super Bowl Sunday.

An unparalleled aesthete, catty bitch, and gossip, Trump brought his gay flavor to the decidedly heterosexual logic of American politics. 

Few words can comfort, but take solace in the fact that you were kind of a loser anyway.  

Next spring, for example, the women of Penn’s undergraduate body may have the opportunity to take “Psychology for Girls,” providing a comprehensive overview of topics ranging from “how to get boys to like me” to “hysteria.” 

These new features will include a higher mortality rate, a higher chance of transmission, and connectivity to state-of-the-art 5G telecom networks.

How can you ensure a victory for this country’s soul? Get your vote to count twice! Here are some quick and easy tricks to do just that.

To those who insist religion is obsolete, I have one simple response: if our world is not subject to divine enchantment, then who’s been caressing my body every night around midnight? 

3. Distribute poppers to the poll workers to demonstrate your appreciation for the LGBTQ+ guardians of civil liberty. 

Over the past few years, Mrs. Kardashian West has shown a keen interest in matters relating to jurisprudence and legal philosophy.