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Don’t Want To Be A Soldier? No Worries! Here’s a Guide to Self-Injury


Photo by Fort Rucker / CC by 2.0

While my haters may say making jokes about World War III is disrespectful, I’m here to say that this is no joke. As someone who has dodged the draft over 12 times and disrespects the troops at every possible waking moment, this is made in pure earnest in order to help my fellow countrymen disavow their own personal and local military industrial complex.

In that case, it’s with great honor that I relay the multiple possibilities to injure yourself in order to avoid the gaze of military recruiters stalking the halls of your public high school. Without further ado, then, here is my complied list of tactics.

1. Try to Kiss the Military Recruiter

It’s no secret that military boys are in a constant state of horny. One of the easiest ways to get yourself out of the draft is to plant your hand on his chest, give it a little rub, then ask for a “gift” before he gets sent off. Almost certainly, the official will lean in before another official catches him, runs up to you, then beats you up for not kissing him instead. This is a very easy tactic that I’m fond of — who doesn’t like getting pummeled by a big, beefy, muscular guy? — but it’s not always perfect. If you’re ugly, for example, you might get sent off to war all the same. But if you’re sexy, like me, it’ll work like a charm. 

2. Go to the Gym For Once

When seduction doesn’t save you, exercise usually does. You and I both know it’s been 12+ months since the last time you used a treadmill, so you might as well take advantage of your pitiful state. Pottruck is an excellent place to get injured. In fact, it’s nearly impossible not to get hurt. If the equipment doesn’t snap off any fingers, someone inevitably will try to break your bones for being a loser nerd virgin. Give it a shot.

3. Frat Time!

Not only have I broken multiples bones at frat parties, I’ve also been poisoned at LEAST four times. While it’s not one of my usual ways to dodge drafts, it has its benefits. And by benefits, I mean nothing other than getting choked for sport by a confused football player. But hey, sometimes we all need a good suffocation-related attempted murder.

4. Be a Non-Wharton Student

My most common method for getting beat up is usually simply walking into Huntsman Hall. I am someone anyone can recognize as non-Wharton; I’m nice, I’m agreeable, and I don’t talk about shooting the poor during my free time. For this reason, it’s in my routine to walk past the doors, into the main area, then sit and wait. Within an hour or so, you’ll find my body beaten to a bloody pulp inside of Pret. Last time this happened, the police officer who had a warrant for my arrest even let me go. For this reason, I think it’s the easiest way to be injured.

You may ask — “But, Pamela De La Cruz, what if I’m a Wharton student? What will I do?” Well, my dear summer star, you boot up, bitch.