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Hungover Student Has to Explain to Parents Why He Donated to Michael Bennet’s Campaign


Jasper woke up Sunday morning with a slight headache, a dry mouth, two missed calls, and 12 text messages from his parents. He cursed. It happened again. He'd donated five dollars to Senator Michael Bennet’s presidential campaign. This time, he donated with the credit card his parents gave him for his  spring semester textbooks. Two more names pushing Michael Bennett closer to the Democratic debate stage, an Iowa victory, and his eventual nomination. 

Jasper knew he had made drunken mistakes before, but it was always little things like emailing his TA, pissing on the Ben Franklin statue, attempting to smuggle a ferret into Van Pelt Library — small things like that. This was something completely different. Something irredeemable. There is a reason Michael Bennett is not a meme. Some men are too scary to joke about. Some men strike fear into the hearts of every American. Some men serve as a cold reminder that anything can happen.

Jasper tried to imagine Bennett’s face but realized that, to his horror, he couldn’t. He could only see an abstract whiteness with a tie pinned to nothing. The greatest trick the devil ever played was letting us think Michael Bennett was ever not in control. Jasper reached for his phone to call his parents but realized there was nothing he could say.

Other than perhaps “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I was drunk. I knew not what I was doing. I love you. I love you. And God save this country...”