Man Explains Bernie to Woman
Photo by garryknight / CC BY 2.0
January 30, 2020 at 12:00 am
College junior Benedict Arnold was eating lunch with his girlfriend, College junior Rebecca Moore, when the conversation turned dangerously political.
“I love Bernie so much,” said Moore. “He’s just pretty old. And I think Warren’s policies are a little more fleshed out. I can’t really decide between the two.”
Arnold, a PPE major, looked his girlfriend in the eyes for the first time, excited to strut his knowledge of politics, philosophy, and economics: “Actually, Bernie is the same age as Trump. And it is a verifiable scientific fact that he is more likely to win the presidency than Warren, because he is a man and she is a woman. Also, I don’t know if you know what this means, but Bernie would be much better for the economy. Also, Warren would be worse for the economy. Bernie is also more charismatic than Warren, and I think people who I know like him more than Warren so he’s going to win the Iowa caucuses.”
Moore, a political science and math double major submatriculating into a campaign data science masters program, responded, “I don’t know if any of what you just said is real, and I also think you don’t know what a caucus is. But Warren comes off as more elite and out-of-touch according to polls, though some of that might come from sexist ideals that could be diminished in a general election. Do you know what a caucus is? Are you even listening?”
Arnold, who had begun to sweat while looking up FiveThirtyEight polls on his phone, persisted. “A caucus is like what white people do or whatever. Listen, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but Bernie is clearly better positioned to win, and anyone who thinks otherwise should not be allowed to vote. Also, is it just me, or is this conversation kinda hot?”