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3 Tips From Club Penguin That Will Improve Your Sex Life

Photo by Wikipedia Commons / CC BY 2.0

We all remember Club Penguin — the lighthearted, mass multiplayer online game that was a cornerstone of our childhoods. While the game may be a thing of the past for most, I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be that way. The sensual, voiceless, man-sized penguin can actually teach us a lot about life, love, and most importantly, the bedroom. Here are three ways Club Penguin can spice up your sex life.

  1. When there is ice in the bedroom, try to melt it like a Penguin. In the Club Penguin mini-adventure, the main penguin is left in the snow. This penguin has to fend for herself. She collects sticks from the woods and lights a fire. Similarly, when your bedroom is getting icy, you have to light that fire. Do this the same way I did when I was a kid: make bird noises and click randomly till something works. 
  2. Whenever things got lonely in Club Penguin, you always had your puffles. For those who don’t remember, puffles were little bundles of fur and joy. They looked like if sentient balls of yarn had a child with a shag carpet. In short, when your sex life gets lonely, invite a small friend to join you. 
  3. Long before humans had invented the wheel, penguins had perfected the greatest and sexiest mode of transportation — sliding naked on your belly. Not only will this impress your partner with your pure swagger, but it will make them go mad for you.