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Amy Gutmann Completely Independently Chooses to Divest from Coal and Tar Sands


Gutmann astral-projecting her vision for a better tomorrow.

Photo, with edits by Sammy Gordon, by Avalon Morrel / The Daily Pennsylvanian and Adrien DONOT / CC BY-NC 4.9

In a breathtaking feat of courage, President Amy Gutmann has defied student desires and popular opinion by choosing to divest from coal and tar sands while ingeniously remaining invested in all other forms of fossil fuels.

Said Gutmann in an email to the Penn community, “I have decided, without any input from anyone else, to withdraw University funds from the coal and tar sands industries due to their inhumane social practices. I am really excited to be the first person ever at Penn to discuss — or even think about — this exciting and critical issue that, as we are just now learning, might very well lead to the destruction of all life on Earth.”

Research has shown that the most effective way to combat climate change is to commit small, heavily-publicized acts that are several years late and don’t go nearly as far as they should.  Student group Fossil Free Penn, which two years ago submitted a proposal asking for exactly what the President just committed to, is grateful to Madame Gutmann for acting like their multiple actions and demonstrations had no effect on her impressively unresponsive and willfully ignorant mind.

Gutmann clarified her position in a follow-up email.

“To those who are disappointed about this decision, do not fear: we will still invest in fossil fuels. The genius of this move is that I am pleasing individuals who know what climate change is while simultaneously pleasing students who want to kill everyone on Earth.”