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Breaking! Up With You! I Am Breaking Up With You


Photo by the Daily Pennsylvanian

Credit: Lucas Weiner

Hello again. Sorry for ghosting you for a month. I really thought you would forget I exist, but I guess we have Stats together… and Econ… and Intro to Geology. Anyways I would stop going to those classes completely because I hate them, but there’s this super hot girl who I honestly might need as a rebound after we — oh yeah by the way, can we talk?

Listen, it’s not you.

It’s not me though. I literally never did anything wrong so I don’t know why you’re getting so upset, okay just chill you always make everything so dramatic.

OMG really? Seriously?

Okay, I was GOiNg to make the article anonymous so that it wouldn’t be such a big deal, OkAy?? But then how would you know that it was me? What if my side hoes got confused? At least they fucking read my articles.

Don’t you DarE bring up the string cheese incident, you coward.

You always do this good lord can you just forgive? It was ONE (1!) string cheese okay? To quote Adam Driver, "think about how much I could have done! I was a director in my twenties who came from nothing and was suddenly on the cover of fucking Time Out New York!"

Excuse me. You need to go. You are… a little too much for me right now. I’m sorry that you had to make this such a scene in front of all four of my readers. That must be really embarrassing for you.